Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Dear ZK,

Two weeks ago today, you turned 5 years old. FIVE. YEARS. OLD.
We had a blast having your party with your gramma and grampa in Ohio. I knew how much it mean to you to have them all there with you. These uncles and aunt that are still young enough to play with you for hours and not have any grown up things to attend to. You played and laughed with them, you gave them hugs and kisses, you whooped all of their butts at Wii Bowling. They all cried when we had to take you back home with us.
Seeing you with your aunts and uncles that week made me realize what an incredibly grown up and well behaved little man you really are. You made no trouble, you did whatever you were told, you shared and minded your manners and you never once complained about the 18 hour car ride each way. You were my little happy go lucky road tripper. Thank you for that Buddy :)

You're back to preschool now and could not be happier about it. You have a whole other life there that doesn't include me. You have friends and favorite teachers and you love to come home and fill me in on all of the sordid details of who had to go sit on the owl rug in time out and who got check marks taken away for running in the hallway. I truly love and enjoy these conversations with you. I love that you want to tell me all about your day and I hope that you will always want to talk with me this way.

You've become so much more of your own person this year. Your personality though, reminds me more and more every day of my own. You don't open up easily to strangers. You believe everything in your environment should be a certain way and when something is off, you become quite unsettled and then quite vocal about it. You have SO many questions. It seems some days that all I am doing is answering an endless stream of "Who? Why? What? Why? Where? Why? Whywhywhywhywhyyyyyy???? Mama!"

As mentally and emotionally exhausting as this can be sometimes, I truly love this part of your personality. I love that a one word answer will never be enough. I love that you demand to be shown the entire big picture and refuse to believe that "Ignorance is bliss". This character trait will serve you well throughout your life. That, combined with your sympathetic heart, your drive to succeed and your sheer stubborn-ness (oooohh the stubborn stubborn stubborn-ness....) will make you one Hell of an awesome adult.

You make me so incredibly proud. Every single day. With each new milestone you blast through, every new grown-up thing that you figure out and each morning that you literally fly out of bed to greet the day and demand your chocolate milk. You make me proud of the amazing, energetic, inquisitive, clever, brilliant little boy you have become and continue to become. You're my little firecracker. My constant source of hope for the possibility that tomorrow can and will be even more exciting and interesting than today.

How can anyone NOT think that way after spending just a few minutes with you?
And tomorrow WILL be awesome baby. And so will the day after that and the next after that. Because you're here to make sure of it for us.

I can think of no greater blessing.

Happy belated blogged birthday wishes buddy.
Mama loves you Ever And Ever.

Friday, November 12, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 12

Day 12- Something you never get compliments on.

What? What the heck am I supposed to say to that? I never get compliments on a lot of things, mainly because I won't let you compliment me on them. I definitely already covered this.
A lot of the time I wonder why I didn't read through this whole list before actually starting this project. I totally didn't. I'm kind of shocked with myself. I'm the type that never starts a project without first analyzing every detail and setting up my game plan. I'm the queen of making things more efficient for myself and thinking through things.

I must have forgotten about all that 2 weeks ago.
Oh well. I'm having fun. Are you?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 10 AND 11.

Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you had never met.

Being as I'm off on my days for these posts anyway (and my OCD is most definitely NOT okay with that), I'm going to choose this one to just skip all together because I don't HAVE anyone in my life that I wis I'd never met. If I feel that way about someone, I'm not very good at hiding it. They're usually out of the picture pretty quickly.

So! On to day 11! And now finally, my post numbers will coincide with the date and my sweet, neurotic little heart can finally be at peace about it. Yay!

Day 11- something people usually seem to compliment you on.

Urrrmmmmm..... Okay so here's the thing... I'm one of those people (dUh. DUH.) that doesn't take a compliment well. Not at all not ever no ma'am. I'm not sure really what causes me to react the way I do. I get- defensive? Irritated? Annoyed? I'm not sure what to call it. I know one thing though, that I get REALLY uncomfortable.
Could it be that whole masochism issue I discussed before?

I think that's probably exactly what it is. Anyway, the point being that I'm not good with compliments. This unfortunately means that usually when I am given one I don't ever remember it later because "SO not true. Please stop talking to me now before I get all weird.... Oh wait...."

If I were to pick one thing that has actually stayed with me though I would say it's what I've been hearing from YOU recently. You, right there, at your computer/laptop/smart phone or whatever it is, that have been reading these rambling, completely narcissistic posts that I've been publishing the last 11 days.

You've had nothing but warm, kind words for me. I don't know that I can really put into words what that means to me, and what it has done for me. I mean, I spoke and someone really CARED? Like REALLY? Someone READ IT?
Because I'm feeling a bit faint.

Thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you most of all for even caring. I don't know what else to say.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 9

Day 9- Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go But Just Drifted.

If I had a dollar for every person I could name for this one, I could probably pay off my house right this minute. I'm not even really exaggerating.
Throughout my childhood, my family lived what I would call a "modern-day nomadic" lifestyle. To put it simply, we moved. A lot. All the time. We moved to where the money was. Then, to where the family was and eventually to where the money would be again. I knew each time we moved that it was for the good of our family. My parents were doing whatever they could to continually better our financial situation and living conditions. I believe every parent has that goal, no matter how well off they are to begin with. You always want better for your family and especially your children.

One of the more difficult things about that lifestyle though, was having to constantly be uprooted and placed into new situations with new people. The new people part I really didn't mind too much. That was always an interesting combination of thrilling and terrifying. The part that really hurt me was that I was never able to form the types of friendships that were made to last. Every new friendship I came into had to be built on a foundation of fear and uncertainty. I was afraid to get too attached to anyone because I was afraid of the pain of losing them again in a year or two.
It was this fear and uncertainty that caused me to push so many potentially amazing friendships away. I've hurt a lot of people because of it. People that deserved for me to be as good of a friend to them as they were trying to be for me. As they tried harder and harder to get close to me, I would grow colder and sometimes even hostile. Because I was afraid.

Some of those people I've managed to reconnect with through the magical world of Facebook. A few of them I've actually been able to discuss this with and attempt to make amends. With some of them, it has been worked out. With others, it hasn't and I really don't blame them.

I would like to think I've gotten past a lot of those issues now. I've lived in the same state for almost 9 years. I don't plan on going anywhere. That's not all it takes to fix it though. I've had to make a conscious effort in each of my relationships here to keep working at the friendship. Things that would just come naturally to some people like calling someone to see how they're doing, inviting someone over, allowing someone into my comfort zone without completely freaking out and deleting their number- have had to be worked at slowly and consistently.

I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have now. These people though, are more than just close friends to me. They are family. They are woven so deeply into my life and my heart that there is nothing that could ever change the love I have for them. I trust them, I love them and I cherish them. I would do just about anything they asked of me if they needed me.

The best thing about all of that to me though is that it really wouldn't be that way- I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with them or the dedication to maintaining it that I have now- had I not gone through everything else to get to this point.

See? Greatful for the good things AND the bad. Really. ;)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 8.

Day 8- Someone That Made Your Life Hell, Or Treated You Like S#*+.

I'm opting out of this one. I'll be honest enough to tell you that a name comes to mind when I read that question, but I'm not out to drag anyone's name through the mud. I don't feel like I need to do that. I have better things to do. But, it is still NaBloPoMo and a post must be written.

So, hi! I'm posting! And totally phoning it in!
I have a bottle of Chardonnay waiting for me in the fridge and Ace and I have Anchor Man - The Legend Of Ron Burgundy recorded on DVR. Lazy time! Yay!
Back to the real stuff tomorrow I promise. Happy Tuesday night all! Love Ya! Mean it!

Monday, November 8, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 7.

Day 7- Someone that made your life worth living.

Well! This one is ridiculously easy. I have kids! I have a husband! How could I not have someone to write about?

Today though, I'd actually like to pick just one of them. This one today, deserves to be discussed.
You may remember me mentioning a couple of days ago that I am recovering from a drug addiction. I went to rehab, I went to AA, I went through Hell. That Hell was followed by selling our house, moving in with the in-laws to get ourselves out of $15k of debt, and a traumatic miscarriage.
There was a relapse. I won't say of what and i won't say where or when, but it would have been the first of many. It would have been the starting again of that slippery slope into weighing 100 pounds and staying awake without food for 3 weeks at a time. Except that it led to what resulted in a second in my life positive pregnancy test.

I was at my parents house the day i found out. I was late and I had that feeling of hope that I was almost too afraid to allow myself to feel. I decided to take a test.

That test wasn't just positive.... It was my Zackary.
I remember that I spent that pregnancy refusing to allow myself to hope. I was too scared. I was too afraid to become attached again.
I stayed sober, I stayed clean, I stayed terrified and hopeful the entire time.

December 28, 2005 is the day that my life finally began to make sense. I had someone that needed me. Not just wanted me there, but really, truly, honestly needed me to keep them alive. I had a purpose and I had finally figured out WHY I am here.

He was my first. He will always be my first. He is the one that for the past almost five years has taught me how to love completely and unconditionally. He is the one that I would give my life for. The first one. He will always be the first one. My little mini-boy-version-of-me. My first one and only center of the universe.

I love you Zack. Thank you for helping the 22 year old me see that life really is amazing and that even when things are too hard, they can and will get done. We can do it.

Thank you so much, Baby.
Love, Mama.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do.

I really dont want to do this one. It's just ASKING for a depressing post, isn't it? I don't feel like being heavy or depressing today. It doesn't sound fun. I'm sure you don't mind.

What else can I talk about? For starters, today is a big day for me. It's the first day since CJ was about 2 months old (So in about 20 months) that I haven't taken an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Fort hose of you that don't know, I experienced some pretty severe postpartum depression and anxiety after CJ was born. It knocked me on my backside BIGtime. I knew what was happening to me though, thank goodness. I also knew that it was to be expected as these conditions are hard-wired into my genetics. So, I started the rollercoaster ride that is PPD and PPD meds and I had my good days and my terrible days. I started with wellbutrin.

Let me tell you, in the beginning I really though that drug was helpful. I wasn't irritable anymore! I wasn't keeping the blinds drawn all day long! This was good! Until I began experiencing all of the weird side effects.... Peripheral hallucinations? Check. Panic attacks without provocation? Check check and CHECK! I started to realize that maybe I was taking the wrong thing, so I went to my doctor and he immediately FREAKED out about me taking Wellbutrin (which had been prescribed by my midwife). No WONDER you're having anxiety attacks! He said with his best WTF expression.
He wrote me a prescription for Zoloft and sent me home. I was filled with hope and ready to try something new. Maybe this will fix me! Please? And it really did fix it for a little while. For a few months I finally felt like "Me" again. No more panic attacks, no more anything. One day though, it just stopped working. I was having panic attacks at the supermarket, getting dizzy spells while driving and just feeling like something was wrong all of the time. Back to the doctor I went.

He wrote me a prescription for Prozac and decided to combine it with a drug called Buspirone, which is used primarily to treat panic attacks. I of course trusted his advice and began taking both medications daily. I discussed these medications with a person very close to me, because I knew they had a great deal of experience with these medicines. They had nothing but bad things to say about Buspirone. I decided that since they didn't have a medical degree, I should probably just default to the opinion of my doctor.
Skip forward to the part where I am eating a lot of CROW...
I began waking up in the middle of the night with tourettes-like tics. I was tired all the time. I was like a walking zombie. I decided maybe I should try the other person's advice. I stopped taking just the buspirone and WHAT do you know?
No more tics. No more flat-line moods. No more feeling sleepy all the time. In other words, if you want my opinion? DONT TOUCH BUSPIRONE or Buspar with a 10 foot pole. Just don't do it. It will SCREW YOU UP.

So the Prozac worked for a couple of months. I'd been feeling pretty good and was actually STILL feeling pretty good when one day last week, I decided I was ready to be done with all of this. I mean, if it's only PPD then I should eventually be over with it, right? So I decided to cut my Prozac dosage in half for a week to taper off of it slowly. Today was day 8. It was the day I would stop taking it all together. So far? I'm totally great. A little sleepy, but other than that completely okay. Fortunately, Prozac is supposed to be the easiest drug to come off of due to it's log half-life.
Check back with me in three days though, when it should all supposedly be out of my system. If I sound a little crazy(crazier!)? Please know that it's because of that..... I swear!

Hey wait! I know how to answer the question! One thing I hope to never have to do in my life is TAKE ANOTHER STUPID CHEMICAL ANTI-DEPRESSANT.
Please and Thank you.
The End.