30 Posts Of Truth- Day 5

Day 5- Something you want to do in your life.

This one has had me stumped all day long. I can think of several things that I want to do. One thing though sticks out over all of the rest. I want a daughter.

So what if I never have one? What if I try again and we have a third amazing
, precious, adorable, perfect son? What if I get another handsome little best friend mama's boy that has me wrapped around his pinky finger just like the other two do?

I'll be more than okay with that. In fact, I'm more than okay with having just the two that I have now. I feel stupid lucky. I already feel like I've got more than I could ever have wished for.

A part of me though, hopes that one day I can have a little girl. A girl that I can dress up in pink and bows. A girl that I can give a beautiful name and that I can spoil and love on and treat like a beautiful little princess.

So, say that never happens... Say I never have any more? I really promise that I'm okay with that. More than okay. I mean, have you SEEN my little men? Have you had the joy of meeting them? They are my everything.

A girl can dream though, yes?

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 4

Day 4- Something You Need To Forgive Someone For.

Okay. Im going to completely cop out on this one. You know why? Because I don't have an answer for it.

I don't have any one person in my life that I feel like I need to forgive for something. I'm not holding any grudges.

A few years ago, I remember thinking of myself as someone that could hold a grudge indefinitely. Then? Then I became an addict.
It taught me something. The "Bad Guys" don't actually exist in most situations. Most of the time? There are just a bunch of people doing what they really feel like they need to do to get where they need to go. There are only people.

I'm sure most would disagree with me. I mean, there are plenty of bad people in the world, right?
My moral compass refuses to point that direction. I believe that people are generally good, and that every action is committed with the best intentions relative to the person committing the act.

Disagree with me? Good. That's your job and your right and your obligation. I respect your opinion.
The bottom line though, before I have to dig so deeply into such emotional and serious matters is that NO. I don't have anyone that i need to forgive for anything. Who am I to be the one with the authority to decide that they've done wrong in the first place? I don't know YOUR heart and I don't know theirs.

I'm not angry with anyone.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something You Need To Forgive Yourself For.

Okay, who ever came up with this list sure didn't make it easy on themselves.
I can think of so MANY things for this one. Who doesn't have regrets?

If I have to pick one thing though, I will just generalize it as that 3 year portion of my past that I only discuss with a few trusted friends. I said in the beginning that I promise to answer all of these questions as candidly and truthfully as possible and truthfully, the thing I most need to forgive myself for is that I am a recovering drug addict. For about 3 years, my life was completely and totally consumed by Crystal Meth.

I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the events of those three years. My mind has done a lot of work blocking it out for me while I've been busy with building my life as i know it now. Is that healthy? To compartmentalize the past and hope that it somehow just works itself out? I don't think so. I think that eventually it will show itself some way and I will be forced to figure out why it all happened.

Please don't misunderstand- I'm not trying to say that one day I just stopped using drugs and began a new me and acted like nothing happened. Not at all. It was a long and ragged road. I had days I wanted to just disappear and I begged and pleaded with God to just
Get rid of me. I felt like garbage. I felt all of the hurt I have caused others. I tried rehab. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried just fixing it on my own.
A combination of all of those things has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I've been clean for 6 years. I have no intention of going back to that life EVER. I also know though, that being an addict isn't something that goes away. You're never actually "cured", you only try to live each day in a way that keeps you as close to God as possible. As close to humility and gratitude as possible.

Have I gotten the system down yet? Absolutely, positively NO. If I had it down, I wouldn't be here writing about how I need to forgive myself for all of it. I have though, made progress. Baby steps.

Today I am at least aware of many parts of my problem and what it stems from. Im aware that I must always be watchig myself and examining my intentions in every situation. I know that each moment must be lived "on purpose" rather than just being reactive.

Today I know that I have a heart full of gratitude. I'm grateful for the good AND the bad in my life. I'm grateful for the ground I've covered to separate my here and now from my there and then. I'm grateful that I've come to a very REAL realization that God has been here with me the whole time, even when I was sure I was too far gone to be salvaged.

Have I forgiven myself yet? Not even close. But I'm trying, and I'm working. Im searching, and I'm certain that one day it will all come together and make sense as soon as I'm completely ready to understand.

30 Days Of Truth- Day 2

Day 2: Name something that you love about yourself.

Ummmm, help? I guess you wouldn't be able to help me with that one since it has to be something I love about me, right? Congratulations, captain obvious.

This post is a lot harder to write than yesterday's. I suppose though, that if you've read yesterday's post then you already know that, don't you? How am I supposed to think of something I love about myself if I'm my own worst critic? I thought about it long and hard today and suddenly realized what a complete and total masochist I am....

You know what I love most about myself? The very same thing that I HATE most about myself.

I am my own worst critic.

Confusing, right? Or is it?
As I said before, I am a masochist. To my very core.

"Mas·och·ism   
[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA
–noun
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification."

Yeah. Maybe I know me a little better than I give myself credit for.

More than you wanted to know about me?
Then quit reading. It's my blog.
...... Intrigued?
You're obviously my kind of people. Let's go out for margaritas.

30 posts of truth- day 1.

I found my inspiration for NaBloPoMo here.
Her blog is one of my absolute favorites. Her writing is beautiful and honest and she has a way of reaching my emotions and making me feel every part of her story as if I were there living it with her. You should read her stuff. :-)

So anyway! Day one of the 30 posts of truth says to name something that you hate about yourself...............

Geez. Wouldn't it just be easier to name the few things I DON'T?.....
I guess that very statement, if I really think about it embodies exactly what I hate about myself; I am my own worst critic.
For as long as I can remember, I have always known that if I were to be confronted by someone who had negative things to say about me, their list of complaints could never be as long or as painstakingly detailed as my own list would be. About myself.
I don't know how I got to be that type of person or if there was any specific event in my life that caused me to think of myself as less than worthy, but no matter what situation I'm in, I am always feeling like everyone else has the upper hand. Even if I'm right and they're obviously wrong I always immediately assume that I must be the one that's out of line. I'm the one who acted incorrectly.

I really don't have any other way to elaborate on that topic, though, because I still haven't really figured out how to fix it.
How does one change a way of thinking they have had for their entire life? I assume the same way that I change anything else about myself; slowly but surely.

And so, I begin this 30 posts of truth project. I hope that in doing this I will be able to get to know the real me a lot better. I plan to answer every single question as candidly and honestly as humanly possible.
I promise that a lot of it won't be pretty. I also promise that I don't care if it's entertaining, uplifting, depressing or offensive. I only care to complete it to the best of my ability in hopes of reaching a better understanding of who I really am.

Care to be a fly on the wall?
Im an open book folks. Buckle up.

NaBloPoMo? Sure!

Hi. I think I'm gonna try this again. Why not? I haven't posted since June and even before then maybe twice this year. I'd like to try to get back to this. I enjoy doing it.
The Rangers just lost the World Series to the Giants. I'm sad. At the same time though, there are no losers here. We made it to the WORLD SERIES. WE EVEN WON ONE OF THE GAMES. We beat the YANKEES.

Goodnight Internet. This month promises to be interesting at the very least. I'm thinking maybe "30 days of truth"? Or at least 29... Being as November only HAS 30 days. ;-)

Happy Father's Day

Dear handsome Husband,

I wanted to do something special for you this fathers day, but I'm not very good at thinking of special things. I decided I would just write you this letter. I used to write you letters all the time. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but here we are. Both in our late twenties, with two amazing boys.
If someone could have told me 8 years ago that we would be where we are now, with our beautiful boys and our jobs and our home, I would have told them "Well, yeah! Of course!"
I knew from the moment I met you that we were supposed to be forever. I always knew that we would have this family. I knew we could do anything we wanted if we were together. I knew you were not only the husband I had always wanted, but the husband that God had always wanted for me.
This past year has been life-altering. In good ways and in bad. I believe though, with all of my heart, that we are coming out stronger because of it. I know that you and I can handle anything, because we really have handled so much already.
I am looking forward to taking on the rest of this life with you . I know there will be other hard times and I know there will be much much better times. God is good to us.
I want you to know that I am here to support you in every decision that you make as a father, a husband and in your career. We're a team and like I said before, together we can do anything.
I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you. You are a hard worker and a caring human being. You put everything you have into your job and our boys. You play with them, you talk to them, you make time for them. They will always remember that. I am so grateful every day that my boys have such a amamzing father and that I have such an amazing husband and best friend.
You are the rock in this family. You are our support and our shelter. You are our everything and we love you more than anything.

Happy Fathers Day Ace 
Love, Andrea.