Feel free to stop in whenever you think of me, and know that if I haven't posted, its because I'm quite busy with the whole mom/wife/daycare owner/SUPERHERO thing I've been trying to pull off lately and sorry I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and a short message I'll get back to you as soon as I can. *BEEP!*
So anyway, back to the squishy little angel from heaven thing. CJ is a great baby. He sleeps most of the night, he's 7 weeks old now! We've been in sync from day one and I couldn't be happier with him. He took to breastfeeding like a PRO, which was one of my main worries. ZK was formula fed because I was left quite emotionally wrecked after all of my failed attempts with him. This baby is just so different from my first. Not better, by any means, just everything about him from his dark hair and eyebrows to his long lean frame to his sleeping habits. I love him completely and with all of my heart- just like his brother.
I never imagined my heart could have the capacity to love 3 people so completely. It is so wonderful and terrifying and beautiful all at the same time.
Now, one would think that with all of this wonderful love stuff going on that I would be doing pretty good, right? That I would be happy and content and fuzzy clouds butterflies rainbows jellybeans? I really wish things were like that. The truth is they're not. I'm kind of having a really tough time and it's come as quite a shock to me. I've found myself many days during the kids' naptime sitting on my couch silently crying my eyes out..... Yeah.
I'm not normally one to talk about my real feelings. I like to be funny and make an ass of myself and try to keep things light and fun. Right now though, I feel like I need to vent. So, if you don't want to get bummed out or if you're not a fan of listening to peoples problems please feel free to stop reading now.
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If you're still here, HI! This sucks! Thanks for listening.
How the hell do I have Postpartum depression? I'm not supposed to be the one this happens to.
I always felt like I was the stable one growing up. My father is Manic depressive. 2 of my siblings also display symptoms. I was always the happy one who never needed to be worried over. I always had my crap together. Don't worry about me! I'm okay!----- I am SO not okay. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel like I get enough done, despite the fact that I NEVER STOP MOVING.
I'm always on my feet, making meals and rocking a baby and cleaning up toy messes and breaking up a kid fight and doing laundry and grocery shopping and....
And yet, at day's end I always go back and check off all of the things I DIDN'T get done that day that I should have gotten done.
I don't have time to PEE let alone straighten my hair and put on some makeup. I look bad. I don't want to look bad. I never leave the house. I say its because I have no time, but is it really? I don't even know.
SO! I went to my 6wk checkup last Thursday and cried to my amazing midwife and she was all "BAH! You're funny! Is that all?? Postpartum depression is so common! You're SO NOT CRAZY WOMAN!" And then she gave me a prescription for some Wellbutrin and sent me home.
I'm on day 6 and so far since I started I've only cried 3 times... Trust me, that's a big improvement. I think it's starting to help. I think I'm starting towards getting better. I hope.
Thanks for listening.
