Five?!.....FIVE.

Dear ZK,

Two weeks ago today, you turned 5 years old. FIVE. YEARS. OLD.
We had a blast having your party with your gramma and grampa in Ohio. I knew how much it mean to you to have them all there with you. These uncles and aunt that are still young enough to play with you for hours and not have any grown up things to attend to. You played and laughed with them, you gave them hugs and kisses, you whooped all of their butts at Wii Bowling. They all cried when we had to take you back home with us.
Seeing you with your aunts and uncles that week made me realize what an incredibly grown up and well behaved little man you really are. You made no trouble, you did whatever you were told, you shared and minded your manners and you never once complained about the 18 hour car ride each way. You were my little happy go lucky road tripper. Thank you for that Buddy :)

You're back to preschool now and could not be happier about it. You have a whole other life there that doesn't include me. You have friends and favorite teachers and you love to come home and fill me in on all of the sordid details of who had to go sit on the owl rug in time out and who got check marks taken away for running in the hallway. I truly love and enjoy these conversations with you. I love that you want to tell me all about your day and I hope that you will always want to talk with me this way.

You've become so much more of your own person this year. Your personality though, reminds me more and more every day of my own. You don't open up easily to strangers. You believe everything in your environment should be a certain way and when something is off, you become quite unsettled and then quite vocal about it. You have SO many questions. It seems some days that all I am doing is answering an endless stream of "Who? Why? What? Why? Where? Why? Whywhywhywhywhyyyyyy???? Mama!"

As mentally and emotionally exhausting as this can be sometimes, I truly love this part of your personality. I love that a one word answer will never be enough. I love that you demand to be shown the entire big picture and refuse to believe that "Ignorance is bliss". This character trait will serve you well throughout your life. That, combined with your sympathetic heart, your drive to succeed and your sheer stubborn-ness (oooohh the stubborn stubborn stubborn-ness....) will make you one Hell of an awesome adult.

You make me so incredibly proud. Every single day. With each new milestone you blast through, every new grown-up thing that you figure out and each morning that you literally fly out of bed to greet the day and demand your chocolate milk. You make me proud of the amazing, energetic, inquisitive, clever, brilliant little boy you have become and continue to become. You're my little firecracker. My constant source of hope for the possibility that tomorrow can and will be even more exciting and interesting than today.



How can anyone NOT think that way after spending just a few minutes with you?
And tomorrow WILL be awesome baby. And so will the day after that and the next after that. Because you're here to make sure of it for us.

I can think of no greater blessing.




Happy belated blogged birthday wishes buddy.
Mama loves you Ever And Ever.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 9

Day 9- Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go But Just Drifted.

If I had a dollar for every person I could name for this one, I could probably pay off my house right this minute. I'm not even really exaggerating.
Throughout my childhood, my family lived what I would call a "modern-day nomadic" lifestyle. To put it simply, we moved. A lot. All the time. We moved to where the money was. Then, to where the family was and eventually to where the money would be again. I knew each time we moved that it was for the good of our family. My parents were doing whatever they could to continually better our financial situation and living conditions. I believe every parent has that goal, no matter how well off they are to begin with. You always want better for your family and especially your children.

One of the more difficult things about that lifestyle though, was having to constantly be uprooted and placed into new situations with new people. The new people part I really didn't mind too much. That was always an interesting combination of thrilling and terrifying. The part that really hurt me was that I was never able to form the types of friendships that were made to last. Every new friendship I came into had to be built on a foundation of fear and uncertainty. I was afraid to get too attached to anyone because I was afraid of the pain of losing them again in a year or two.
It was this fear and uncertainty that caused me to push so many potentially amazing friendships away. I've hurt a lot of people because of it. People that deserved for me to be as good of a friend to them as they were trying to be for me. As they tried harder and harder to get close to me, I would grow colder and sometimes even hostile. Because I was afraid.

Some of those people I've managed to reconnect with through the magical world of Facebook. A few of them I've actually been able to discuss this with and attempt to make amends. With some of them, it has been worked out. With others, it hasn't and I really don't blame them.

I would like to think I've gotten past a lot of those issues now. I've lived in the same state for almost 9 years. I don't plan on going anywhere. That's not all it takes to fix it though. I've had to make a conscious effort in each of my relationships here to keep working at the friendship. Things that would just come naturally to some people like calling someone to see how they're doing, inviting someone over, allowing someone into my comfort zone without completely freaking out and deleting their number- have had to be worked at slowly and consistently.

I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have now. These people though, are more than just close friends to me. They are family. They are woven so deeply into my life and my heart that there is nothing that could ever change the love I have for them. I trust them, I love them and I cherish them. I would do just about anything they asked of me if they needed me.

The best thing about all of that to me though is that it really wouldn't be that way- I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with them or the dedication to maintaining it that I have now- had I not gone through everything else to get to this point.

See? Greatful for the good things AND the bad. Really. ;)

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 7.

Day 7- Someone that made your life worth living.

Well! This one is ridiculously easy. I have kids! I have a husband! How could I not have someone to write about?

Today though, I'd actually like to pick just one of them. This one today, deserves to be discussed.
You may remember me mentioning a couple of days ago that I am recovering from a drug addiction. I went to rehab, I went to AA, I went through Hell. That Hell was followed by selling our house, moving in with the in-laws to get ourselves out of $15k of debt, and a traumatic miscarriage.
There was a relapse. I won't say of what and i won't say where or when, but it would have been the first of many. It would have been the starting again of that slippery slope into weighing 100 pounds and staying awake without food for 3 weeks at a time. Except that it led to what resulted in a second in my life positive pregnancy test.

I was at my parents house the day i found out. I was late and I had that feeling of hope that I was almost too afraid to allow myself to feel. I decided to take a test.

That test wasn't just positive.... It was my Zackary.
I remember that I spent that pregnancy refusing to allow myself to hope. I was too scared. I was too afraid to become attached again.
I stayed sober, I stayed clean, I stayed terrified and hopeful the entire time.

December 28, 2005 is the day that my life finally began to make sense. I had someone that needed me. Not just wanted me there, but really, truly, honestly needed me to keep them alive. I had a purpose and I had finally figured out WHY I am here.

He was my first. He will always be my first. He is the one that for the past almost five years has taught me how to love completely and unconditionally. He is the one that I would give my life for. The first one. He will always be the first one. My little mini-boy-version-of-me. My first one and only center of the universe.

I love you Zack. Thank you for helping the 22 year old me see that life really is amazing and that even when things are too hard, they can and will get done. We can do it.



Thank you so much, Baby.
Love, Mama.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do.

I really dont want to do this one. It's just ASKING for a depressing post, isn't it? I don't feel like being heavy or depressing today. It doesn't sound fun. I'm sure you don't mind.

What else can I talk about? For starters, today is a big day for me. It's the first day since CJ was about 2 months old (So in about 20 months) that I haven't taken an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Fort hose of you that don't know, I experienced some pretty severe postpartum depression and anxiety after CJ was born. It knocked me on my backside BIGtime. I knew what was happening to me though, thank goodness. I also knew that it was to be expected as these conditions are hard-wired into my genetics. So, I started the rollercoaster ride that is PPD and PPD meds and I had my good days and my terrible days. I started with wellbutrin.

Let me tell you, in the beginning I really though that drug was helpful. I wasn't irritable anymore! I wasn't keeping the blinds drawn all day long! This was good! Until I began experiencing all of the weird side effects.... Peripheral hallucinations? Check. Panic attacks without provocation? Check check and CHECK! I started to realize that maybe I was taking the wrong thing, so I went to my doctor and he immediately FREAKED out about me taking Wellbutrin (which had been prescribed by my midwife). No WONDER you're having anxiety attacks! He said with his best WTF expression.
He wrote me a prescription for Zoloft and sent me home. I was filled with hope and ready to try something new. Maybe this will fix me! Please? And it really did fix it for a little while. For a few months I finally felt like "Me" again. No more panic attacks, no more anything. One day though, it just stopped working. I was having panic attacks at the supermarket, getting dizzy spells while driving and just feeling like something was wrong all of the time. Back to the doctor I went.

He wrote me a prescription for Prozac and decided to combine it with a drug called Buspirone, which is used primarily to treat panic attacks. I of course trusted his advice and began taking both medications daily. I discussed these medications with a person very close to me, because I knew they had a great deal of experience with these medicines. They had nothing but bad things to say about Buspirone. I decided that since they didn't have a medical degree, I should probably just default to the opinion of my doctor.
Skip forward to the part where I am eating a lot of CROW...
I began waking up in the middle of the night with tourettes-like tics. I was tired all the time. I was like a walking zombie. I decided maybe I should try the other person's advice. I stopped taking just the buspirone and WHAT do you know?
No more tics. No more flat-line moods. No more feeling sleepy all the time. In other words, if you want my opinion? DONT TOUCH BUSPIRONE or Buspar with a 10 foot pole. Just don't do it. It will SCREW YOU UP.

So the Prozac worked for a couple of months. I'd been feeling pretty good and was actually STILL feeling pretty good when one day last week, I decided I was ready to be done with all of this. I mean, if it's only PPD then I should eventually be over with it, right? So I decided to cut my Prozac dosage in half for a week to taper off of it slowly. Today was day 8. It was the day I would stop taking it all together. So far? I'm totally great. A little sleepy, but other than that completely okay. Fortunately, Prozac is supposed to be the easiest drug to come off of due to it's log half-life.
Check back with me in three days though, when it should all supposedly be out of my system. If I sound a little crazy(crazier!)? Please know that it's because of that..... I swear!

Hey wait! I know how to answer the question! One thing I hope to never have to do in my life is TAKE ANOTHER STUPID CHEMICAL ANTI-DEPRESSANT.
Please and Thank you.
The End.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something You Need To Forgive Yourself For.

Okay, who ever came up with this list sure didn't make it easy on themselves.
I can think of so MANY things for this one. Who doesn't have regrets?

If I have to pick one thing though, I will just generalize it as that 3 year portion of my past that I only discuss with a few trusted friends. I said in the beginning that I promise to answer all of these questions as candidly and truthfully as possible and truthfully, the thing I most need to forgive myself for is that I am a recovering drug addict. For about 3 years, my life was completely and totally consumed by Crystal Meth.

I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the events of those three years. My mind has done a lot of work blocking it out for me while I've been busy with building my life as i know it now. Is that healthy? To compartmentalize the past and hope that it somehow just works itself out? I don't think so. I think that eventually it will show itself some way and I will be forced to figure out why it all happened.

Please don't misunderstand- I'm not trying to say that one day I just stopped using drugs and began a new me and acted like nothing happened. Not at all. It was a long and ragged road. I had days I wanted to just disappear and I begged and pleaded with God to just
Get rid of me. I felt like garbage. I felt all of the hurt I have caused others. I tried rehab. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried just fixing it on my own.
A combination of all of those things has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I've been clean for 6 years. I have no intention of going back to that life EVER. I also know though, that being an addict isn't something that goes away. You're never actually "cured", you only try to live each day in a way that keeps you as close to God as possible. As close to humility and gratitude as possible.

Have I gotten the system down yet? Absolutely, positively NO. If I had it down, I wouldn't be here writing about how I need to forgive myself for all of it. I have though, made progress. Baby steps.

Today I am at least aware of many parts of my problem and what it stems from. Im aware that I must always be watchig myself and examining my intentions in every situation. I know that each moment must be lived "on purpose" rather than just being reactive.

Today I know that I have a heart full of gratitude. I'm grateful for the good AND the bad in my life. I'm grateful for the ground I've covered to separate my here and now from my there and then. I'm grateful that I've come to a very REAL realization that God has been here with me the whole time, even when I was sure I was too far gone to be salvaged.

Have I forgiven myself yet? Not even close. But I'm trying, and I'm working. Im searching, and I'm certain that one day it will all come together and make sense as soon as I'm completely ready to understand.

Happy Father's Day

Dear handsome Husband,

I wanted to do something special for you this fathers day, but I'm not very good at thinking of special things. I decided I would just write you this letter. I used to write you letters all the time. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but here we are. Both in our late twenties, with two amazing boys.
If someone could have told me 8 years ago that we would be where we are now, with our beautiful boys and our jobs and our home, I would have told them "Well, yeah! Of course!"
I knew from the moment I met you that we were supposed to be forever. I always knew that we would have this family. I knew we could do anything we wanted if we were together. I knew you were not only the husband I had always wanted, but the husband that God had always wanted for me.
This past year has been life-altering. In good ways and in bad. I believe though, with all of my heart, that we are coming out stronger because of it. I know that you and I can handle anything, because we really have handled so much already.
I am looking forward to taking on the rest of this life with you . I know there will be other hard times and I know there will be much much better times. God is good to us.
I want you to know that I am here to support you in every decision that you make as a father, a husband and in your career. We're a team and like I said before, together we can do anything.
I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you. You are a hard worker and a caring human being. You put everything you have into your job and our boys. You play with them, you talk to them, you make time for them. They will always remember that. I am so grateful every day that my boys have such a amamzing father and that I have such an amazing husband and best friend.
You are the rock in this family. You are our support and our shelter. You are our everything and we love you more than anything.

Happy Fathers Day Ace 
Love, Andrea.

Well Hello There!

I apparently needed a little break from blogging after all of that NaBloPoMo business, eh?

To catch you up, it's been a busy busy month so far. Almost all of the Christmas shopping is done and then some. Some of the presents though, have unfortunately not made it all the way to Christmas. Namely, one beautiful NIKON camera given to me by my awesomely awesome husband man.



I haven't been able to stop taking pictures since last week when I opened it (completely against Ace's wishes, might I add.... but NIKON!!! SHINY!! WANT NOW MINEMINEMINE!!) and my children are now beyond sick of it all. The moment ZK sees me pull out the camera he either darts from the room or turns on that nasal-y whine that makes me want to claw my ears out.

Ah, well. Tuff noogies. I've wanted a nice camera for years and I'm not about to let a little grumpiness stop me from taking photos to my heart's content.




That's his signature move.






The rest of the Christmas gifts will definitely make it to their spot under the tree I promise. This one, though, is not leaving my sight. Neither are any of these toddlers, until I can get them to pose for "Just one more shot!"




Gah! Fine. Never mind.

Nothing to report

I have no idea what I'll write about tonight. I can't believe I've (sort of...) made it this far, can you? It's day 23 and other than an unfortunate 18-minutes-late-due-to-falling-asleep-at-the-laptop incident I have blogged every single day this month! I can't frickin believe it.

Today was, as usual pretty uneventful. I had my 9 year old here all day instead of just 3pm-630pm because of thanksgiving break and I always enjoy her company. She goes by CJ like my youngest, but I'll just refer to her as CB. She's quite a character. She spent the day laid up on my couch with some sort of mystery sore throat that doesn't cause a fever. She didn't feel warm ever, but she had flushed cheeks and looked like death warmed over. Normally I would have sent her home, but seriously, no fever at all. I didn't know what to make of it. So, I just kept her in one spot and made sure none of the other kids touched her or bothered her.
My other kids were their usual selves, running all over the place and turning the playroom upside down. They had a great time and one of them even didn't want to go home. I consider that a successful day.

Tomorrow I expect more of the same. This week though, I only have to work Monday to Wednesday and I could not be more excited. Thanksgiving break, here I come! Then, on to the shopping!

Yakkity Yak

Today was definitely not exciting. I tackled the huge pile of laundry and finally got everything clean AND put away. Okay, wait.. for me that's definitely exciting.
The boys ran around the house in their pajamas and watched cartoons until it was time to get dressed and head to the grocery store. By that time Ace was home from work and CJ was ready for a nap so ZK and I got to go alone. It's always interesting taking him anywhere alone because it always makes me realize just how MUCH he really talks. It's literally nonstop. I find myself having to stifle the urge to tell him to just hush because (1) I know for a fact that he inherited that trait from me and (2) because of that I really understand WHY he does it.
If I know you well and am comfortable with you, I will literally talk your ear off. I don't know why it is that I must always be talking, but I find it difficult to stop once I get started. I express everything verbally and I must work out any and all stress in my life through words. Usually Ace has to deal with most of it, as he's the only one around for me to talk to that has more than 40 words in his vocabulary. Poor guy.
ZK is exactly the same way. He asks a million questions. He has an opinion on everything and he's not afraid to tell you about it. He has to fill every little bit of silence with words and singing and talktalktalking because it just feels like that's what he's supposed to do. I get it, I really do. I also feel a bit sorry for him because HOO BOY is it difficult to keep friends when you're known as the one that never shuts up.

Trust me, I know.


Anyway, he talked the entire time and I did my best to just listen and be interested and ask questions back. He had a good time and I had a good time watching him smile and tell me about Santa and how he was going to get presents after "Turkey Day" and "Mama I need this! I need it! I need those cookies!".

I have a 3 day work week this week and I am looking forward to it. I am so excited for Thanksgiving and family and fun. This is definitely my favorite time of year.

You Better Not Pout, I'm Telling You Why...

So yesterday I had the brilliant idea to tell ZK about Santa coming to bring his presents next month... BRILLIANT.
The negative is that I didn't think about the fact that a 3.5 year old has absolutely NO concept of time and therefor has asked me at least twice every hour "Is it Christmas yet Mom?... Is it now?". I amaze myself sometimes with my genius.

The positive side to the situation is that ZK is now aware that Santa "can see you all the time" and will know if he's being a good boy or not. He doesn't want Santa to bring him "Just a little rock!" instead of presents.... How do you explain a lump of coal to a toddler? It's a rock. A rock instead of cool presents. That's explanation enough for him to understand that Santa means business.

Anyway, I have a teeeeeeensy twinge of guilt each time I remind him about Santa watching when he's trying to make trouble but the guilt is quickly replaced by the satisfaction of knowing that this awesomely effective little tool will be good for more than a month. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You know? Santa totally rocks.

Family Time

Today was busy, productive and wonderful. Ace had a Saturday off! This doesn't happen often. We made the most of it by spending the first half of the day eating donuts with the boys, lying around the house and playing on the floor. It was fabulous.
After lunch, we headed to Target with nothing in mind except to find some fun new toy to play with. We first had to stop at the snack counter to get our popcorn (we do this every time we go there- ZK calls Target "The Popcorn Store") and then we spent an hour or two just meandering around looking at this and that and talking about whatever.
The boys smiled and ate popcorn and pointed at Every. Single. Toy. saying "I need this!". Ace and I walked out with a Tonka truck, two toy microphones and a car booster seat for ZK.

I remember that there was a time in my life when I would never have walked out of a Target without buying myself something. A magazine? A shirt? It's funny how things change, isn't it?
We ended our little excursion with a trip to the SPCA to visit the doggies. Usually, I can be in there and leave with no problem. This time though, I almost walked out with another dog and I am SO GLAD
I didn't. There was a male Yellow Lab puppy with big eyes and huge goofy paws that almost had me. The moment I laid eyes on him I had already named him. I looked up at Ace and said "We need to leave NOW." And we did. I have a weakness for puppies. I'm completely ruled by maternal instinct and little puppies are like Kryptonite for me. I see the little faces and the big eyes and my brain says "BABY!!".... but puppies grow up. They grow up to be dogs that I must walk and care for and feed. It's like adopting another child! I'm so glad I resisted. Someone will snatch that little guy up before next week is done, I'm sure of it. That someone will not be me. Thank goodness.
We came home and the boys and I played with the new toys while Ace mowed the lawn. I made dinner, we watched TV and played some more and now the boys are in bed.

I wish every Saturday could be like this one. Goodnight internet!

Cathartic

I'm in a sad place today. I would say "a bad place", but I don't want to freak anyone out. I'm not angry. So, a better phrase would be "Sad Place".


I have everything to be happy about. I'm incredibly blessed and I know it. And yet.... and yet I'm sad right now. I can't pinpoint one single reason, as there are quite a few things troubling me. Maybe if I try to list some of them it will help me? I don't know. And if you're reading this, I'm not trying to ask you for help. Please don't take it that way. I don't like to ask for help. It makes me feel far too vulnerable.

* Money.- I am always worried about it, even when there is enough. The worst part of this is that as I child I SWORE I would never let money bother me. I know what it's like to be poor and I know I have and can survive it. My mother was always worried about the money and that in turn worried me. I understand where she was coming from now, though.

* Cleaning.- No matter how much I clean and how hard I try, I can never keep things as they should be. I am constantly behind and my home never looks the way I feel it should. I know that kids are messy. I know that it's all a part of childhood. You make messes and you play and you explore and discover and that's the way it is. I also know that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder makes it almost impossible for me to go to bed at night if there are any toys on the floor in my living room. I hate that part of me. I wish she could just relax and let the mess be, but she can't. Cleaning is one of my coping mechanisms. It helps me to think and unwind my nerves and when it's done, I look around at a clean room and feel like I've accomplished something.

* My weight.- There. I said it. Out loud to the Internet and God and everybody. My weight is really really getting to me right now. I don't like how I look in pictures and I feel less and less satisfied with what I see in the mirror as each day passes. I know why my weight is up. It's up because I'm a stress-eater. I use food now the way I used cigarettes in the past. I use it to cope. One of the worst parts of this one is that I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. Something stressful will happen, such as my 3.5yr old having a meltdown, and suddenly I snap back to reality and realize I'm standing in front of the refrigerator. WTF?
I got a jogging stroller with the hope that it will give me another way to cope. I like to run. When I was in high school in California I used to wake up extra early during the summers so that I could go for a run and clear my head. It was like meditation for me. I want to have that again. I want to feel that way about myself again.

* My appearance in general.- This is one of the reasons I'm not asking for your help- because I don't WANT to hear all of the encouraging comments. All of the "Oh be quiet, you look great!" and the "Oh hush! Look at ME! At least you don't look like this!". I know how I want me to look and I know I don't look it. I don't care if you think I'm vain for saying so. There are a lot of things right now that I know can look better. They HAVE looked better and they can but they don't. It bothers me. A lot.

There are a few other things, but none that I feel comfortable discussing in this blog. They involve my relationships with people around me and writing about stuff like that on the Internet isn't a good way to fix it. In fact, quite the opposite.
And so, as I look over this list I realize that it's not as long as I'd thought it was. So there's that. I guess.

A Letter That Tells The Story.

I wrote this letter to a friend that I've recently been blessed to reconnect with. She is due to have her first baby boy this Friday. I decided that I would share it here, because it tells everything that I've wanted to tell about my trip to visit my family. A warning; it's quite a long read. I wrote it more for my benefit than anything. Writing helps me to sort out a lot of the things going on in my head.


*** Holy cow...you must be miserable! So today would make you 39wks and 3days... I gave birth to Zk at 38wks on the dot and CJ was 39wks 5 days so you may very well end up being pregnant longer than I ever have... Sorry, I know its not funny but I promise you'll be able to laugh about it someday. :)

As far as my trip goes, it did go a lot better than expected in some ways and not in others. My flight there was awesome! CJ fell asleep 10 minutes into the flight (a 4hour flight) and stayed asleep the whole time! Only problem with that was that he was in my lap and I couldn’t move or get up to pee.... I had to go so bad! But I was willing to sacrifice it to be able to keep him asleep for the other passengers!

My parents and siblings flew in the next morning and we met them at Ivar's. It’s a seafood place we used to always eat at when I was teeny tiny. I cried so hard when I saw the kids.... I had missed them so much it hurt. Corban is so big and handsome! He's 14years old! He's 5ft 10! He's like a MAN! It was so weird but he and I were totally able to reconnect and now we're so very close. He's so much fun and I feel so lucky to have him as a little brother. My little Rees is such a little man too :) He's 12! He's a handsome kid and the most kind and giving heart on the planet. He will make such an awesome perfect husband someday.
I don't know how well you remember Abby, but shes 9years old now! She is the sweetest little thing ! I love her so much. I got to straighten her hair and we went shopping and all of the things I don't get to do with her that big sisters are supposed to do. It was such a wonderful time with them. I miss them so much every day that even now I have to breathe deeply so that I don't start crying about it again.. I love them so very much.

It's so amazing how becoming a mother will change your heart. You will feel love on an even deeper and more Fierce level than you've ever experienced before... and not just for your child but for EVERYONE that you love. The world takes on a new meaning entirely and it all happens in that split second when you hear that first little cry... :) It's big stuff, I'm telling you.

So, anyway about my Dad; my parents were there at Ivar's and as I hugged everyone Hello he and I didn’t even go near each other. We made no eye contact. We all walked into the restaurant and you could have cut the tension with a knife.... My mom pointed to our tables and said "The kids will sit over there with Athena and Alex and you and the baby can sit over with Dad and I"........ My parents sat down on one side of the booth and she gestured for me to join them. "Uh oh", I thought... My heart raced and raced and I was having trouble breathing. My hands were trembling. Suddenly, I just acted without thinking...
"Hello friendly people..." I said and I sat down with the baby seat next to me. I looked warily in my father’s direction and he looked up at me (he'd been staring at his hands) with this strange look in his eyes... as if he felt I was dangerous?..... as if he were suspicious?
I smiled at him quickly with the corners of my mouth turned down as if greeting a stranger on the street and then went back to getting the baby settled. .....

And that was it.

We kind of started talking indirectly. adding things in to the conversation as my mother talked and talked and as we finished the meal I realized he and I were in some kind of agreement. A silent agreement that we would get along. Because we are adults. Because this trip was much too important. I was okay with that kind of agreement.

Going to see my Grampa was the part of the trip that I wish I could change. I will always wish it. Athena and I went to see him that morning before going to meet my parents and the kids at Ivar's. Athena explained to me (as she'd already been by to visit him the day before) that Grampa was very thin and not to be shocked by his appearance. He was still living at home but now because of his weak immune system no one was allowed to see him if they were sick. Even well people were to wear a medical mask and shoe covers and to sanitize their hands before touching him. Visits were limited to 10 minutes at a time and had to be scheduled at least an hour before hand. A lot of rules, but necessary rules to keep grampa well. To keep him ALIVE. I understood.

When we walked in I could never have been prepared for what I saw. He was sitting on the corner of his couch and he was just so very tiny and frail looking... but he was still so handsome.... He wasn't anything near the big strong grampa that I remembered. He looked very tired and weak. I put on my mask and sanitized and rushed over to sit next to him. He asked "Is that my Andrea??" and I quickly pulled back the corner of my mask to show him it was indeed me. I gave him my best smile before covering my face again with the mask.

His eyes welled up with tears as he told me that he thought about me more than I could ever know... That he thought about all of the fun that we used to have together... Emily I'm probably going to have that image in my head forever... I wish I wouldn't. I try to think of him the way I used to know him. The big, jolly, happy and wonderful man that used to take care of me. I try to think of him and the happy parts as best I can.

I quickly started talking about happy things like my Ace and Zk that weren't able to be there but "I will bring them soon! Next time they will be with me!" I showed him lots of pictures of them so that he could "meet" them as best he could and I quickly introduced him to a sleeping CJ before his wife told me it was time for us to go so that he could rest. I told him I loved him so much and that I would see him again soon.

Those 10 minutes were the last time I ever saw my Grampa. The date was Saturday, June 13. The next morning I woke up with a chest rattling cough and I knew I would not be allowed to go in to see him again. I couldn't be the one that got him sick and caused his death. I wouldn't do it. It's still so hard for me to think about.

The rest of the trip was filled with family and fun and love and visits with long lost cousins and it was all amazing. I had the time of my life. The day I had to get on a plane and leave was really hard. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. But, I really didn't have any choice. I had my own family to get back to and my job and my life. A life I've built with my husband and a life I truly love.


Being a grownup is really hard sometimes, you know? CJ fell asleep 20 minutes in after a poopy diaper change in an AIRPLANE BATHROOM DURING TURBULENCE...... okay so there was that one bad part... but the flight attendant gave he and I the ENTIRE back row of the plane to ourselves! Then, I even got his carseat so when he fell asleep I was able to have my hands free to stretch out and read! It was fabulous.

When we got off the plane I have never been so happy to see my handsome husband and my beautiful little boy waiting for us. It was good to be home.

I got home on Tuesday night. My parents & the kids were to stay in WA for another week to drive to Boise to visit with some of my other cousins. They left for Boise on Thursday night and an hour into their drive they got a phone call to turn back. My grampa had been rushed to the hospital because he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped. They had revived him, but he was now on life support and no longer conscious. The plan now was to get all of his children there to be with him because they were going to turn off the life support machines the next day.

I was stunned, but at the same time I was grateful. I was grateful that his children would all be able to be with him in his last moments. I sat by the phone all Friday, waiting for any news. Most of the time it was my mother calling to say they were still waiting.
That night at about 630pm I sent my last 2 daycare kids out the door when the phone rang. It was my father and all he told me was to stay on the line and not hang up. I heard only silence. I waited for about 10 minutes. In my heart, I knew what was going on but I refused to think about it until I heard it for sure. Then, I heard my mom and Athena's voices on the line. My mom asked "did you hear the singing?"

"I didn't hear anything.."
I guess what happemned was that they had athena and I on 3 way and they hadn't been able to patch me all the way through. It was okay, though.

"They're getting ready to turn off Grampa's machines now." She said. "We wanted you girls to be able to be here for it as best you could".

"Thank you." I said.

I heard the murmurs of many voices in the background as I waited on the phone. I felt like I was being pulled under water.

"Okay, they're taking his tubes out now, hang on"

"........."

About 3 minutes after that I hear the sounds of light crying and I heard a lot of "I love you" 's. My mom's voice came back and through tears she said "Okay, he's gone... I love you girls so much".

"We love you too, Mom. Tell Grandma we love her."

"Alright girls, I'm going to go now. I'm glad you could be part of this. I love you."

"love you- Goodbye".

I hung up the phone and walked into my kitchen (I'd been standing alone in the dark garage). As I looked up at Ace my eyes filled with tears and I sobbed uncontrollably. "He's gone" was all I could say.

Ace ran to me and wrapped me up in a big hug. I couldn't stop sobbing. But then, all of a sudden a strange calm came over me. The tears and sobbing stopped almost immediately and I was overcome with a feeling of peace. I realized at that moment that Grampa was okay now. He was finally on his way back to the loving arms of his heavenly father whom he had served so faithfully and tirelessly since the day he was born. I knew this with every fiber of my being. I didn't need to cry for him anymore.

And so, that is my answer. That is how my trip went, and that is what happened with my Dad and my Grampa.

It's been an interesting couple of months, to say the least. I do know though, that I am eternally grateful for the 10 minutes I got to spend with my grampa. I will never forget it. Even the sad parts were a blessing. I also know that my Dad and I will be okay. We always are. We’ll be fine.

Now, I move forward with my life with the knowledge that It is precious and short and that I must make the very most of it every SINGLE day. I must not let things like anger and fear keep me from happiness. I know now that if I always keep a place in my heart for forgiveness and then when it comes welcome it in, I will live a happy and blessed existence with those I love.

I'm glad I'm able to share these things with you, and if you've read this far then I thank you for being patient with me.

I'll keep you in my prayers this week as you wait for your little boy to arrive <3

Love- Andrea

I'd Been Gathering Moss...

I never get out of the house. Like, literally NEVER..... it would frighten you if you really knew how little I leave my home nowadays. I like to tell people it's because I work so many hours here and that by the time all of my kids are gone for the day I'm just too tired. Really though, I'm not really sure what the reason is. I guess I'm just in kind of a huge rut right now and have had no real desire to get out of it.

My friend J though, has a real talent for forcing people out of their comfort zone in the very sweetest way possible....



Holy Catfish Batman!!



That's right, I went indoor rock climbing. She really didn't give me much of a choice. She asked me to go on a night that Ace happened to be off work and she was sure to ask me in front of him so that he pretty much had to agree to watch the boys for me.
I must tell you right now that this is NOT something I would ever do normally. I am the LAST person on earth that would volunteer to do anything even remotely adrenaline fueled or involving heights...
I walked into that gym with knots in my stomach and a lump in my throat. J and Vee both assured me that I would NOT plummet to my death. They gave me a quick lesson on how to work the ropes and sent me up the wall!



I made it to the top on my very first try!






J is teh awesome.





It's a little awkward looking, but I never fell once :)



Vee = Sexy Spider Woman.



Party On Wayne.... ;)

Oh, Tacoma!

For some reason, Facebook is being eeeevil and won't let me post any photos. So, I'm going to post them here instead. Sorry, this post is extremely IMG Heavy!


This is the first time in more than 4 years that my whole family has been together in one photo. From left to right: Athena (24), Abby(9), Mom(She'd KILL ME), Dad(not far from 50...), Rees(12), Corban(14), Me(BWAAAAHAHAAAA!).



Sister, Mom and I. uhhhh.... I should really think about working on my tan, huh?



My Sis Athena and her hilarious fiancee Alex :)



My parents- Not used to seeing them this way.



This is a favorite- Me and my little brothers with a bundled up CJ.



Me and My Gorgeous Mom. If the old saying is true that "if you want to know how she'll age just look at her mother" Then I'm so very SET!



The most loving human being on the entire planet. Baby Brother Rees!



Baby sister Abby. Shes the sweetest little spoiled brat you will EVER meet. ;) I love you Abby.

Me & The Bro being tourist-y



CJ and his uncle Corban!



CJ and his (HOTT!) Nana. :)



My "Baby" Brother. This one came out really fuzzy. :(



My "Baby" Sister.



I love The Corban.



Squishy Baybee NOM NOM!

Big thanks To Heidi, my beautiful cousin for taking so many great pictures for me. I never remember to get out my camera! I have SO MUCH to tell you about the trip, but nap time is almost over and I'm going on 4 hours of sleep after a 4 hour plane ride. I'm sure you understand.

Ooooooh The Barf...

Alrighty!

as of this moment, I have 4 kids napping, one dog puking all over my kitchen and one ginormous headache. Sweet. Life is hectic 'round here people! I hope that some day I can just get used to it.
The kids napping is always a lovely part of the day, though. I get to play on the internets and like, .....PEE. BY MYSELF. OMG.
I don't know what's wrong with the yappy dog but I hope its just a little stomach bug and not like, a stuck plastic toy that she's ingested (a frequent occurrence) or some horribly debilitating disease. Or PARVO.... Good laws I need to stop thinking about it and just make Ace take her to the vet when he gets home. I will worry myself into a panic attack if I'm not careful. See how I am?

CJ and I leave for Seattle in 9 days. This should be interesting. I may or may not have mentioned the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in years... and he will definitely be in the same room as me at least once while I'm there.... Good GOD that freaks me out. I'll let you know how that one goes. *Does the Crazy Eyes face*

I feel like I'm all over the place with this entry. Please bear with me. I have the dumb today. It's a pretty bad case.
So my 3 year old has been stolen by the body snatchers and his evil clone is wreaking havoc on my poor little home. I'd been meaning to talk about this for awhile now. He's gone from my sweet, quiet, happy little man into a LOUD LOUD ANGRY little grump. He jumps all over furniture. He throws his toys. He WILL NOT SHARE. He hits. He tries to hit ME. (HOO boy don't even get me started). He argues about everything.
Even the most mundane thing like putting on shoes is now a full scale battle complete with blood curdling SHRIEKING.

Now, I apologize for all of the caps and italics but OH MAH GAWD PEOPLE!!!


"Who, ME? What are you talkin' 'bout woman? I would never do any of THAT. Now GIMME A OREO AND NO ONE GETS HURT."

Now this squishy little angel, on the other hand-

"Don't worry, Mama. I will never do that to you! I promise never to turn three. I will stay this little and round FOREVER!"

*SOB-HICCUP*

The Birth Story of CJ

Because it seems so very appropriate to post this on Mother's day.

The day is Wednesday, January 14th 2009. I woke at 3am to the sound of the radio alarm clock. We had to be at the hospital by 5:30 and by God I would NOT be in labor with bedhead and no makeup! So, I showered and got ready my heart racing the entire time. I checked my packing lists again and again to be sure I hadn't forgotten some small thing.
ZK was in his bed sleeping soundly and although we had discussed at length the night before that today was the day baby brother was coming out, I knew he really had no idea how big today really was. His last morning as my only baby, my only center of the universe.


Ace woke up about 4:15 and I have never in my life seen him wake up that easily. He was almost as nervous as I was. We got everything packed and into the car. I went over ZK's routine again with his Mimi because she woud be spending the next few days with him at her house. Poor ZK was sick with RSV at the time and he wouldn't be able to be around baby brother until he got better because of the extreme risk the illness poses to new babies.
We got into the car and made the quick 5 minute drive to the hospital. The elevator ride to the 3rd floor was almost more than I could handle. My stomach was doing acrobatics and I quickly regretted eating that toasted english muffin with Jam.. we checked in at the desk and the nurses all seemed very friendly and sweet. They informed me that the Birthing Tub room that I wanted waasn't available yet, but that the family using it would be checking out later that morning. I told them it was fine, because I was positive it would be quite awhile before I was ready to have a baby. My first labor was 23 hours! This one should be no different, right?.........
The took me into a regular birthing room and instructed me to change into my lovely hospital gown. I would need to be monitored in bed for at least 30-45 minutes before I would be allowed to get up and walk around as I pleased. I went into the little blue bathroom with its cold tile floor and I remember looking into the mirror and thinking "This is IT". It was time to do the hardest thing I had ever done (after giving birth to ZK- his was with an epidural, though) and I was going to willingly do it without any kind of pain medication. I was a crazy person. Oh well! Time to have a baby!
I changed into the gown and the little blue slipper socks and walked out knowing that Ace expected me to pose for a photo-


HelLOOO puffy cheeks! Wow, I'd forgotten how puffy I got!

So this is where the fun starts. My first nurse was a much older Mexican woman. She was small and thin and very much felt like a grandmother. She clucked over me and fussed and fixed my bedding and I instantly loved her. I can't remember any of my nurses names and most of their faces are a fuzzy memory, but this woman sticks in my mind. The reason I remember her the most I assume is because she is the one who saved my life...
She prepped me for my IV of saline and pitocin and as she3 cleaned my arm I warned her that my veins are notorious for rolling over when someone tries to draw blood. I had learned this over the course of my pregnancy as every time I had to get bloodwork done it always took the person at least 3 sticks to get a good vein. *shudder* She simply Tsk-Tsk'ed and aimed her needle.

I felt myself getting anxious and a little dizzy. Her first attempt failed. By the third attempt, I felt my breathing start to speed up. By the fifth attempt, I knew I was in trouble. The needle found a vein on her 6th and final attempt and I felt a strange feeling at the injection site, as if I could FEEL the blood leaving my arm. Everything started to go blue.
"I feel funny" I whimpered, sweat beading on my forehead. My hands started to shake violently.
"what do you mean 'funny'??!" she asked in a panicked tone.
.... "I don't know!"- I felt myself slipping.. thats the only way I can explain it. The way that I imagine dying feels like. I'd never felt it before but somehow I knew that this might be it. Monitors were going off everywhere and the room was filled with loud beeps and ringing noises. Nurses were rushing in and someone was lowering the head end of my bed so that I was almost sliding off head to floor. I saw a bright flash of light in front of my eyes and around it was all purple and dark. The voices of Ace and the nurses started to go fuzzy and faint. I was sure this was 'It'...

Then, suddenly, the bright light faded. The sounds in the room became sharp and clear. My eyes began to refocus and just as quickly as it had happened, it was gone. I was back. Apparently, I my blood pressure had plummeted while I was having an anxiety attack. I looked around to see the nurses and Ace all staring at me in panic.

Grandma nurse- "Are you okay now?!"

Me-" I feel better. I don't know what just happened"

Grandma Nurse-"You just gave me a heart attack, that's what just happened!!"

Me- "yeah, I've had a couple of anxiety attacks before, it kind of felt like that but much worse"

Grandma Nurse- "That may have been a good thing to mention to me in the very beginning, hunny!"

The baby had remained stable during my whole episode, but about 5 mniutes after I came around, his blood pressure dropped. It dropped so low that everyone was in a panic again. Grandma nurse looked at me and said "We're calling Aliza (my midwife). If this happens again you're going into the operating room. Things will start to move very fast so be ready". When I heard that, my heart nearly broke in two. A c-section was NOT what I wanted to do! I could do this! My baby could do this! I fought back tears of frustration.

By the grace of God, things began to move along without incident. Aliza showed up at 6am, looking as if shed been shaken awake. Her eyes were still foggy with sleep and she was trying to tie back her bedhead with a ponytail. I have never been so happy to see someone! She is an amazing calming presence. She told me that since I was fine, she was going to go get coffee and be back in to check me in a little while.
In the beginning, the contractions were like nothing. They came every few minutes and I would simply look at the monitor and go about watching the news. A few hours later (around 11:00 am) I was starting to feel them but they weren't at all painful. just sort of a tightening in my lower abdomen. They finally told me that I could get up and walk around or sit on the birthing ball if I wanted. I decided the ball was the best option as I could bounce and rock on it while I contracted.
I probably ate my weight in Airheads lollipops. I remember the neonate nurse coming in to meet me and being amazed that I was still smiling and talking. "You're nowhere near ready" she told me. "I'll know when you're ready because you won't be smiling or talking like that anymore. Ha!". Then, my midwife came in to check me. I didn't want to get back into that bed. I was so much more comfortable sitting up on the ball. She insisted this was the only way she could check me, and I grudgingly heaved myself up into bed again. To my shock, I was already at 5.5 centimeters! I had only been in actual labor since 8am! This was wonderful news.
Aliza asked me if I wanted her to break my water and I was more than willing. When she went to break it she kept saying "you have a bag of STEEL!". It took her almost 10 minutes to get a hook into it. Needless to say, the procedure left me a little more than grumpy.

The contractions picked up. They got stronger and faster and more intense.


I went back to the birthing ball. I remember that as each contraction came my eyes would unfocus and my breathing would get deeper and more rythmic all on its own. I was deeply relaxed in my head and I don't remember it hurting at this time. I was deep into my own mind and I barely noticed anyone or anything around me. I would rock back and forth and side to side and breathe and breathe. Then, when the contraction was over it was like waking up again. I could talk and think and everything was normal.
Around 2pm I remember Aliza came to check me again. I was at 7cm and she was turning up my pitocin. By this time I was definitely feeling pain and I was getting pretty dazed. I remember during one contraction, my new nurse came in for the third time to ask me if I wanted anything for pain. I looked at her in an angry daze and hissed "STOP ASKING ME THAT!!". She recoiled and apologized and left the room. I remember the sound of Ace laughing nervously. Then, everything changed almost at once. Contractions were hard and fast and all of a sudden I couldn't "get on top of them". I felt like I was being dragged under water and the pain was getting to be more than I could bear. Aliza asked me if I wanted to go into the birthing tub room. I couldn't do anything but shake my head and "I don't know". She told me she wanted me to get back up on the bed for a bit. I DID NOT WANT to be in that bed. It hurt more to labor there, and it was harder to manage the contractions. She told me I had to because she knew I was close and she needed to check me again. I don't know how I managed to lift myself up into that bed again, but I did it- cursing her the entire way.
That's when I got ugly. She ckecked me as I cried and moaned and then she told me I was almost 9 centimeters. I wailed in pain as the next contraction came. For the first time, I looked at her and said "I don't think I can DO this!". She took me firmly by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes- "YES. You CAN do this."

The next contraction came at that moment. I couldn't handle it. I kicked and writhed and screamed in absolute agony. I'm sure I could be heard throughout the entire L&D floor. Those poor people! When that contraction ended, I looked to Aliza with desperation. I told her I could NOT do this and begged for the epidural. I will never forget that moment. The look on her face as she told me what I needed to hear.
"No, Andrea. You have worked too hard for this. This is what you wanted and have waited 9 months for. You are TOO CLOSE. I can't let you throw it all away now. You are strong and you can do this."
I looked to Ace, his face white as a sheet and he said "You can do it, baby. I know you can".

I threw back my head into the bed and the tears poured as the next contraction hit full force. I was bawling and losing strength. When that contraction finished, Aliza asked me if I wanted her to turn down the pitocin for a few minutes to rest so that I could begin pushing. I nodded weakly and collapsed back into the bed. I heard the beeps of the machine as she turned the drip down and when the next contraction came it wasn't quite as intense. For the next hour od so, I drifted in and out of consciousness as each contraction came and went. I was in a sort of trance, now. As each one came I pictured the baby moving further and further down. I was making a low hum noise and I could feel every time the baby moved further and further. I remember thinking "I will just let him come this way. I am NOT going to push. It will hurt. This isn't so bad and even if it takes longer, he can come out this way. I am NOT letting her turn up that pitocin."
Aliza had different plans though. I heard her move toward my bed and over to the IV machine. I started to hear the beeping of her turning up the drip. I opened my eyes and hissed at her through gritted teeth "Don't you DARE turn that up!"
She ignored me completely. Didn't even look at me. I was furious. The contractions came back full force and I knew there was no turning back now. it was time to get him out. Suddenly, the urge to push was so strong I couldn't fight it. I tried to push as Aliza held my feet but then the room started to go purple again.
Me: "IM GONNA FAINT!!!"

Aliza: "Stop pushing all in your head! Use your abs!

And suddenly, I got it. As each new contraction came, I pushed as if I were doing a really hard sit-up. I was doing great and pushing felt GREAT! about 10 minutes later she told me to stop and try to breathe for a moment because I was crowning. I was almost there! I did my best not to push as she ran to the door and called the other nurses in to help. She actually had to yell at them because apparently "She's Crowning!" is not urgent enough to get people to stop what they're doing. Finally, everyone was in and ready and Ace and Aliza each helped hold my legs while I did my final pushes.
His ginormous head was the hardest part. Once that was out, the rest was easy! Suddenly, he was there and they brought him up onto my chest to wipe him off and get him crying. There were cheers all around and I stared down into the wide eyed face of my beautiful baby boy. He was heavier on my chest than I'd imagined he would be and his movements were strong. He let out his first cry and then my tears began all over again. "My Baby!".


He was 9pounds even and 22 inches long. Apgar scores were 8 and 9. He was healthy and beautiful and perfect.

The perfect piece of our family puzzle that we never even knew was missing. And now, we could never ever live without him.


I love you, my precious baby boy.


Love- Mama.

On a jet plane

I bought a plane ticket to Seattle this morning. I'll be there in mid-June. I'm going to go see Grampa. They got his prognosis on Wednesday, and it's definitely worse than they thought- the cancer isnt in his bones, it's in his blood which is definitely worse. He has 6 months max.

I'm doing a lot of internalizing right now. I haven't cried yet (since I heard his results) and I don't know when I'll have a chance to. I have kids to take care of and scedules to keep. I know it's not good to internalize grief, because it ends up causing other problems but I feel like I have no choice. I have to stay strong for now. I have to be able to go see him and make the visit the best one I possibly can for him because he doesn't have time to be making me feel better. It's my job to go out there and give lots of hugs and remember old times. I need to show off my baby and talk about my oldest and my husband and how wonderful everything really is, because it really, really is. It's wonderful.



This trip is serving two purposes. My parents and siblings will also be flying out that week and I havent seen them in over 3 years. This will be the most bittersweet vacation I have ever taken. I'm so full of excitement and anticipation to finally be able to hug my family and loved ones and to talk to everyone.
At the same time, I have to go to my Grampa to tell him goodbye.
Well, there it is. I'm crying.

It was a Happy Happy easter

Behold mah cute little family :)

Life is gooder

***
Because of this


And this


And this.




Thanks to everyone for the continuous support and love. I feel good today. I feel at ease. I feel like ME. Life is definitely gooder. :)