Feel free to stop in whenever you think of me, and know that if I haven't posted, its because I'm quite busy with the whole mom/wife/daycare owner/SUPERHERO thing I've been trying to pull off lately and sorry I can't get to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and a short message I'll get back to you as soon as I can. *BEEP!*
So anyway, back to the squishy little angel from heaven thing. CJ is a great baby. He sleeps most of the night, he's 7 weeks old now! We've been in sync from day one and I couldn't be happier with him. He took to breastfeeding like a PRO, which was one of my main worries. ZK was formula fed because I was left quite emotionally wrecked after all of my failed attempts with him. This baby is just so different from my first. Not better, by any means, just everything about him from his dark hair and eyebrows to his long lean frame to his sleeping habits. I love him completely and with all of my heart- just like his brother.
I never imagined my heart could have the capacity to love 3 people so completely. It is so wonderful and terrifying and beautiful all at the same time.
Now, one would think that with all of this wonderful love stuff going on that I would be doing pretty good, right? That I would be happy and content and fuzzy clouds butterflies rainbows jellybeans? I really wish things were like that. The truth is they're not. I'm kind of having a really tough time and it's come as quite a shock to me. I've found myself many days during the kids' naptime sitting on my couch silently crying my eyes out..... Yeah.
I'm not normally one to talk about my real feelings. I like to be funny and make an ass of myself and try to keep things light and fun. Right now though, I feel like I need to vent. So, if you don't want to get bummed out or if you're not a fan of listening to peoples problems please feel free to stop reading now.
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If you're still here, HI! This sucks! Thanks for listening.
How the hell do I have Postpartum depression? I'm not supposed to be the one this happens to.
I always felt like I was the stable one growing up. My father is Manic depressive. 2 of my siblings also display symptoms. I was always the happy one who never needed to be worried over. I always had my crap together. Don't worry about me! I'm okay!----- I am SO not okay. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I don't feel pretty. I don't feel like I get enough done, despite the fact that I NEVER STOP MOVING.
I'm always on my feet, making meals and rocking a baby and cleaning up toy messes and breaking up a kid fight and doing laundry and grocery shopping and....
And yet, at day's end I always go back and check off all of the things I DIDN'T get done that day that I should have gotten done.
I don't have time to PEE let alone straighten my hair and put on some makeup. I look bad. I don't want to look bad. I never leave the house. I say its because I have no time, but is it really? I don't even know.
SO! I went to my 6wk checkup last Thursday and cried to my amazing midwife and she was all "BAH! You're funny! Is that all?? Postpartum depression is so common! You're SO NOT CRAZY WOMAN!" And then she gave me a prescription for some Wellbutrin and sent me home.
I'm on day 6 and so far since I started I've only cried 3 times... Trust me, that's a big improvement. I think it's starting to help. I think I'm starting towards getting better. I hope.
Thanks for listening.
3 comments:
Oh, Baby. I so hear you (and you know I do.) If you ever need to talk it out, you can call me any time! I know people always say that, but I mean it from my toes. Because I have been there.... hell, I AM there, and if I can make you laugh now and again it will make us both feel better. :)
I love you SOOO effing MUCH, Dre. I think back to babysitting you and Athena a few times a week that one long-ago summer (David the Gnome, anyone?!) and I think HOLY CRAP when was that even? Because here we are enjoying (and struggling through) motherhood together and I feel more like I have a long-lost-sister than anything else. And it rocks! And we both have fantastic boys, awesome husbands, and pretty damn good lives. And yet it's still more than okay that we both have to wrestle with this storm cloud. It doesn't mean we don't appreciate the great life we have. My doctor put it to me this way "It's like a diabetic. The pancreas just doesn't work properly anymore. Think of yourself like a diabetic - you didn't give yourself this disease, and it's not going to just go away on its own."
I'm totally rambling now, I know, but all this verbosity is just my way of saying "Hi! I hear you! I'm sending you a long-distance hug!!"
Seriously, call me any time. We can meet weekly for coffee over the phone if you like. Lord knows I could use the grown-up conversation.
Much Love to ya, Babe. You are a Lady and a Rock Stah.
Love,
MeL
Andrea,
Just wanted you to know that I suffered SEVERELY with post partem with Chloe. I promise you that the sun will come out again! Sometimes those darn hormones take a while to balance out.
Call me if you need to talk. You are wonderful, beautiful, and amazing! You will feel like yourself again....I promise!
Love you,
Aunt Shannon
Hang in there Andrea!! Being a woman sucks sometimes. But that's why we have these crazy things happen to us, because we can get through them better than men can. haha Seriously, if you need someone to vent to, call me anytime or drop the kiddos off if you need a break.
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