I have everything to be happy about. I'm incredibly blessed and I know it. And yet.... and yet I'm sad right now. I can't pinpoint one single reason, as there are quite a few things troubling me. Maybe if I try to list some of them it will help me? I don't know. And if you're reading this, I'm not trying to ask you for help. Please don't take it that way. I don't like to ask for help. It makes me feel far too vulnerable.
* Money.- I am always worried about it, even when there is enough. The worst part of this is that as I child I SWORE I would never let money bother me. I know what it's like to be poor and I know I have and can survive it. My mother was always worried about the money and that in turn worried me. I understand where she was coming from now, though.
* Cleaning.- No matter how much I clean and how hard I try, I can never keep things as they should be. I am constantly behind and my home never looks the way I feel it should. I know that kids are messy. I know that it's all a part of childhood. You make messes and you play and you explore and discover and that's the way it is. I also know that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder makes it almost impossible for me to go to bed at night if there are any toys on the floor in my living room. I hate that part of me. I wish she could just relax and let the mess be, but she can't. Cleaning is one of my coping mechanisms. It helps me to think and unwind my nerves and when it's done, I look around at a clean room and feel like I've accomplished something.
* My weight.- There. I said it. Out loud to the Internet and God and everybody. My weight is really really getting to me right now. I don't like how I look in pictures and I feel less and less satisfied with what I see in the mirror as each day passes. I know why my weight is up. It's up because I'm a stress-eater. I use food now the way I used cigarettes in the past. I use it to cope. One of the worst parts of this one is that I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. Something stressful will happen, such as my 3.5yr old having a meltdown, and suddenly I snap back to reality and realize I'm standing in front of the refrigerator. WTF?
I got a jogging stroller with the hope that it will give me another way to cope. I like to run. When I was in high school in California I used to wake up extra early during the summers so that I could go for a run and clear my head. It was like meditation for me. I want to have that again. I want to feel that way about myself again.
* My appearance in general.- This is one of the reasons I'm not asking for your help- because I don't WANT to hear all of the encouraging comments. All of the "Oh be quiet, you look great!" and the "Oh hush! Look at ME! At least you don't look like this!". I know how I want me to look and I know I don't look it. I don't care if you think I'm vain for saying so. There are a lot of things right now that I know can look better. They HAVE looked better and they can but they don't. It bothers me. A lot.
There are a few other things, but none that I feel comfortable discussing in this blog. They involve my relationships with people around me and writing about stuff like that on the Internet isn't a good way to fix it. In fact, quite the opposite.
And so, as I look over this list I realize that it's not as long as I'd thought it was. So there's that. I guess.
