30 Posts Of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do.

I really dont want to do this one. It's just ASKING for a depressing post, isn't it? I don't feel like being heavy or depressing today. It doesn't sound fun. I'm sure you don't mind.

What else can I talk about? For starters, today is a big day for me. It's the first day since CJ was about 2 months old (So in about 20 months) that I haven't taken an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Fort hose of you that don't know, I experienced some pretty severe postpartum depression and anxiety after CJ was born. It knocked me on my backside BIGtime. I knew what was happening to me though, thank goodness. I also knew that it was to be expected as these conditions are hard-wired into my genetics. So, I started the rollercoaster ride that is PPD and PPD meds and I had my good days and my terrible days. I started with wellbutrin.

Let me tell you, in the beginning I really though that drug was helpful. I wasn't irritable anymore! I wasn't keeping the blinds drawn all day long! This was good! Until I began experiencing all of the weird side effects.... Peripheral hallucinations? Check. Panic attacks without provocation? Check check and CHECK! I started to realize that maybe I was taking the wrong thing, so I went to my doctor and he immediately FREAKED out about me taking Wellbutrin (which had been prescribed by my midwife). No WONDER you're having anxiety attacks! He said with his best WTF expression.
He wrote me a prescription for Zoloft and sent me home. I was filled with hope and ready to try something new. Maybe this will fix me! Please? And it really did fix it for a little while. For a few months I finally felt like "Me" again. No more panic attacks, no more anything. One day though, it just stopped working. I was having panic attacks at the supermarket, getting dizzy spells while driving and just feeling like something was wrong all of the time. Back to the doctor I went.

He wrote me a prescription for Prozac and decided to combine it with a drug called Buspirone, which is used primarily to treat panic attacks. I of course trusted his advice and began taking both medications daily. I discussed these medications with a person very close to me, because I knew they had a great deal of experience with these medicines. They had nothing but bad things to say about Buspirone. I decided that since they didn't have a medical degree, I should probably just default to the opinion of my doctor.
Skip forward to the part where I am eating a lot of CROW...
I began waking up in the middle of the night with tourettes-like tics. I was tired all the time. I was like a walking zombie. I decided maybe I should try the other person's advice. I stopped taking just the buspirone and WHAT do you know?
No more tics. No more flat-line moods. No more feeling sleepy all the time. In other words, if you want my opinion? DONT TOUCH BUSPIRONE or Buspar with a 10 foot pole. Just don't do it. It will SCREW YOU UP.

So the Prozac worked for a couple of months. I'd been feeling pretty good and was actually STILL feeling pretty good when one day last week, I decided I was ready to be done with all of this. I mean, if it's only PPD then I should eventually be over with it, right? So I decided to cut my Prozac dosage in half for a week to taper off of it slowly. Today was day 8. It was the day I would stop taking it all together. So far? I'm totally great. A little sleepy, but other than that completely okay. Fortunately, Prozac is supposed to be the easiest drug to come off of due to it's log half-life.
Check back with me in three days though, when it should all supposedly be out of my system. If I sound a little crazy(crazier!)? Please know that it's because of that..... I swear!

Hey wait! I know how to answer the question! One thing I hope to never have to do in my life is TAKE ANOTHER STUPID CHEMICAL ANTI-DEPRESSANT.
Please and Thank you.
The End.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 4

Day 4- Something You Need To Forgive Someone For.

Okay. Im going to completely cop out on this one. You know why? Because I don't have an answer for it.

I don't have any one person in my life that I feel like I need to forgive for something. I'm not holding any grudges.

A few years ago, I remember thinking of myself as someone that could hold a grudge indefinitely. Then? Then I became an addict.
It taught me something. The "Bad Guys" don't actually exist in most situations. Most of the time? There are just a bunch of people doing what they really feel like they need to do to get where they need to go. There are only people.

I'm sure most would disagree with me. I mean, there are plenty of bad people in the world, right?
My moral compass refuses to point that direction. I believe that people are generally good, and that every action is committed with the best intentions relative to the person committing the act.

Disagree with me? Good. That's your job and your right and your obligation. I respect your opinion.
The bottom line though, before I have to dig so deeply into such emotional and serious matters is that NO. I don't have anyone that i need to forgive for anything. Who am I to be the one with the authority to decide that they've done wrong in the first place? I don't know YOUR heart and I don't know theirs.

I'm not angry with anyone.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something You Need To Forgive Yourself For.

Okay, who ever came up with this list sure didn't make it easy on themselves.
I can think of so MANY things for this one. Who doesn't have regrets?

If I have to pick one thing though, I will just generalize it as that 3 year portion of my past that I only discuss with a few trusted friends. I said in the beginning that I promise to answer all of these questions as candidly and truthfully as possible and truthfully, the thing I most need to forgive myself for is that I am a recovering drug addict. For about 3 years, my life was completely and totally consumed by Crystal Meth.

I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the events of those three years. My mind has done a lot of work blocking it out for me while I've been busy with building my life as i know it now. Is that healthy? To compartmentalize the past and hope that it somehow just works itself out? I don't think so. I think that eventually it will show itself some way and I will be forced to figure out why it all happened.

Please don't misunderstand- I'm not trying to say that one day I just stopped using drugs and began a new me and acted like nothing happened. Not at all. It was a long and ragged road. I had days I wanted to just disappear and I begged and pleaded with God to just
Get rid of me. I felt like garbage. I felt all of the hurt I have caused others. I tried rehab. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried just fixing it on my own.
A combination of all of those things has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I've been clean for 6 years. I have no intention of going back to that life EVER. I also know though, that being an addict isn't something that goes away. You're never actually "cured", you only try to live each day in a way that keeps you as close to God as possible. As close to humility and gratitude as possible.

Have I gotten the system down yet? Absolutely, positively NO. If I had it down, I wouldn't be here writing about how I need to forgive myself for all of it. I have though, made progress. Baby steps.

Today I am at least aware of many parts of my problem and what it stems from. Im aware that I must always be watchig myself and examining my intentions in every situation. I know that each moment must be lived "on purpose" rather than just being reactive.

Today I know that I have a heart full of gratitude. I'm grateful for the good AND the bad in my life. I'm grateful for the ground I've covered to separate my here and now from my there and then. I'm grateful that I've come to a very REAL realization that God has been here with me the whole time, even when I was sure I was too far gone to be salvaged.

Have I forgiven myself yet? Not even close. But I'm trying, and I'm working. Im searching, and I'm certain that one day it will all come together and make sense as soon as I'm completely ready to understand.

30 Days Of Truth- Day 2

Day 2: Name something that you love about yourself.

Ummmm, help? I guess you wouldn't be able to help me with that one since it has to be something I love about me, right? Congratulations, captain obvious.

This post is a lot harder to write than yesterday's. I suppose though, that if you've read yesterday's post then you already know that, don't you? How am I supposed to think of something I love about myself if I'm my own worst critic? I thought about it long and hard today and suddenly realized what a complete and total masochist I am....

You know what I love most about myself? The very same thing that I HATE most about myself.

I am my own worst critic.

Confusing, right? Or is it?
As I said before, I am a masochist. To my very core.

"Mas·och·ism   
[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA
–noun
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification."

Yeah. Maybe I know me a little better than I give myself credit for.

More than you wanted to know about me?
Then quit reading. It's my blog.
...... Intrigued?
You're obviously my kind of people. Let's go out for margaritas.

Happy Father's Day

Dear handsome Husband,

I wanted to do something special for you this fathers day, but I'm not very good at thinking of special things. I decided I would just write you this letter. I used to write you letters all the time. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but here we are. Both in our late twenties, with two amazing boys.
If someone could have told me 8 years ago that we would be where we are now, with our beautiful boys and our jobs and our home, I would have told them "Well, yeah! Of course!"
I knew from the moment I met you that we were supposed to be forever. I always knew that we would have this family. I knew we could do anything we wanted if we were together. I knew you were not only the husband I had always wanted, but the husband that God had always wanted for me.
This past year has been life-altering. In good ways and in bad. I believe though, with all of my heart, that we are coming out stronger because of it. I know that you and I can handle anything, because we really have handled so much already.
I am looking forward to taking on the rest of this life with you . I know there will be other hard times and I know there will be much much better times. God is good to us.
I want you to know that I am here to support you in every decision that you make as a father, a husband and in your career. We're a team and like I said before, together we can do anything.
I want you to know that I have a lot of respect for you. You are a hard worker and a caring human being. You put everything you have into your job and our boys. You play with them, you talk to them, you make time for them. They will always remember that. I am so grateful every day that my boys have such a amamzing father and that I have such an amazing husband and best friend.
You are the rock in this family. You are our support and our shelter. You are our everything and we love you more than anything.

Happy Fathers Day Ace 
Love, Andrea.

Will You Be My Valentine?

Hey stranger!


So..... 2010, huh? Yeah....

Look, I don't even know where to start. I haven't blogged in 2 months, and in that time more has happened than I think in all of last year put together. Big things have happened. Ulcer-causing, stress-inducing, life-altering things. Thankfully though, all but one of those things have so far lead to big changes in my life. Changes for the better.

The reason I don't know where to start is that I can't really blog about most of the things that have happened. Every single one of them is on that other side of the personal boundary line. The line that holds all of my most personal and private things that I will not-ever-no-never discuss with the internet.
If I sort through everything and find the things I'm okay with discussing with you, I'm left with this-

I closed my daycare!

..................

I KNOW!!! ..... I really did. Our last day of business was January 29th. I closed the daycare because although I love those children as much as I love my own, I needed to get my house back to being my HOME. I needed to be able to leave my house more often than 2 hours every Sunday afternoon to do the daycare grocery shopping. I needed to stop working 60 hour weeks. I needed to get a reason to wear something other than flannel PJ pants and a holy tee shirt every day and to put on makeup and do my hair. I needed to start really living.
So, I tearfully typed up a 3 weeks notice letter in early January and gave it to my daycare parents. All of them were amazingly understanding and compassionate. No one was angry with me (at least no one showed it if they were) and none of them have treated me any differently since. I'm eternally grateful for all of them and the time I had caring for their most precious little ones.

I have a new job now. I was blessed to be able to go back to work as a nanny for a beautiful and loving family that I have worked for off and on for the past 3 years. I take the boys with me to their house every day and I take care of their baby boy and preschooler daughter, as well as their niece who is also preschool age.
You're probably thinking; but isn't that pretty much the same as running the daycare? My answer is NOOOOOnononononono. NO.
I wake up every morning, I get dressed and put on makeup, I get the boys into the car and we GO somewhere. we LEAVE the house and at the end of the day we can all go OTHER PLACES. Because all of us are DRESSED and OUT of the house already. Then, we can come back to our home and ENJOY it because we've actually had a chance to get AWAY from it for a few hours. It is absolutely glorious. I can literally feel the difference in my stress levels and I can see the positive effect it's having on my relationship with my boys and Ace. We're all breathing easier these days. It's good.

Another thing I can tell you about is that I've lost 12 POUNDS!!! SINCE JANUARY 1ST!! BOO FRICKIN YAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!!!!
Stress does wonders for my waistline, apparently. So does the P90X. Ace and I started the workout system 4 days ago and we are both committed to doing all of it. We've both decided it's time for us to get healthy, get into shape and change the way we're living. Beware though, by the time we get to day 90 we may need to build an addition to our house to make room for our solid gold HOTTNESS.


*SNORT*


Aaaanyway, last but definitely not least..... I got a fantabulous new Do!


BEHOLD!!




And from the back!



It's difficult to tell what's going on with the color from these pictures, but I had the colorist put cherry red highlights throughout and a couple of randomly placed deep purple ones on the top. I'm completely enamored with it. It's my favorites haircut/color EVAR.

Other than all of that, I'm afraid the rest of the past 2 months is just not your business. Trust me though, even if you could know about all of the other stuff, you really wouldn't want to know. It's all really that insane. But it's also all over and done with and it's time to move forward. 2010 is going to be an awesome year, I can feel it. I can also feel that I'm going to have to work really hard every single day to make it that way.

I'm okay with that though. I'm ready. BRING IT.

Black Friday Adventures

Okay, so Black Friday. Now that it's over 48 hours later I really just don't feel like explaining all of it so I'll just give you some cute little bullet points instead.

* Toys R Us was stupid ridiculous. I'm sorry but I can't think of any other way to describe it. I arrived at 11pm to find a line that stretched almost 360 degrees around the building. I was about 2/3 of the way back but no more than 15 minutes after I arrived the line more than doubled. I am not kidding. There were police officers patrolling the area and it was loud and it was a frigid 47 degrees Fahrenheit. When I was finally inside the building it was as crowded as downtown Deep Ellum on a Saturday night. Probably even more dangerous with all of the bleary eyed soccer moms up at that hour fighting to get their hands on the last Zhu Zhu pet.

* My next stop was Kohl's and that went ever so much better in every way. I was one of the first people in line, I was able to get a shopping bag and I got every single thing I'd set out to get there while spending only about 25 minutes in line to check out. In comparison to Toys R Us, it was lovely.

* My third stop was actually a gas station. I'd been awake for about 23 hours by this time and I definitely needed a coffee refill, a bathroom break and some food.
I was able to get all three and it helped to wake me up a bit.

*I went to Target at 5:15 AM, purposely arriving late to avoid the whole mob-rush thing. It went just as well as Kohls and again I found everything I'd been looking for there. Target will always be my favorite store. I love my Target.

* Next I hit Walmart. OOoooh Walmart, I love you and hate you all at once. I was disappointed with the "deals" they were offering on their toys and most of the toys that I wanted to get there couldn't be found. The aisles were a huge mess and most of the doorbusters were just out on wooden pallets in messy piles after being rummaged through by the frenzied mob that had arrived before me. I don't think I'll be stopping by there next year on my Black Friday Route.

* My 6th and final stop was Once Upon A Child. I worked there for about 2 years back when I was fresh out of highschool and they always have great deals on Black Friday. By the time I got there I was beginning to feel dizzy with exhaustion and I knew I just needed to get in and get out. It didn't work out that way. I found my few things there and had to wait in line for about 35 minutes before I could check out.

By the time I left there, I was beginning to see double and I was feeling pretty shaky. I hadn't slept in 27 hours and I had had enough. I drove home, unloaded my loot and hid it safely. Then I crawled my delirious self into bed and slept for about 3 hours before Ace came in to tell me he'd picked up lunch.
I spent the rest of the day in a half-awake shopped-out stupor. It was not cute. All in all, I feel like it was definitely worth it. I saved a lot of money and really did have some fun chatting with the people I was stuck in line with and making my way through the crowds to find the right toys.
Next year I will definitely remember to get a good long nap in before I start shopping. That would have made a world of difference. Also, next year I'm going to try to bring a shopping buddy.

Anyone interested? C'mon, it'll be fun! Bring your good running shoes!

I Have Pink Hair.

If you didn't already notice, I did a redesign today. I love it and it makes me happy when I look at it. Yay me, right? I feel like this layout fits my personality a lot better. On the inside, I'm a girl with not two but 20 tattoos and not 7 but 17 piercings. I'm a lot louder and I have pink hair and I wear a lot more leather and skinny jeans with converse.
I'm too old to dress like that now, but on the inside I'll always think like that girl and I think that's okay. I think that's a good thing.

Today, I want to ask you a question. What does the real you look like? What do they wear? How do they act? What do you see when you think of the you on the inside?

I see a girl. Not a woman, but a girl that loves to be different and loves to seek out the obscure, the special, the unknown little awesome things in this world that make it interesting and fun. I see that even though right now my life is all about being a mama and a good wife and home maker, I still know who I am at my very core. I;m a little strange. I'm quirky. I love to like the things that you don't like. I love to make you uncomfortable. I love to witness awkward situations. They make me laugh. I love to make you look at the situation another way and to see that you may be wrong.
I also love to make you happy. The girl with the skinny jeans and the pink hair and tattoos is also a people pleaser. Some would call that a character flaw. I don't think it is, but maybe I just have a lot more to learn. I mean, of course I do.

I had originally intended to write about ZK today and the difficult time we've been having. I don't want to write about that tonight. I think tomorrow I just need to remember the girl I'm looking at now and what she would do with a defiant little boy commanding her complete attention and pushing all of her buttons to get it. She would definitely be doing things differently than I have been. She would definitely be a lot more fun.
I'm going to trust that tomorrow she'll be able to work all of this out for me. I think Zk needs a lot more of someone like her and a lot less of the person I've been recently. I've been letting the stress and fatigue from my job get to me and it's hit him the hardest.
I think I have a lot of work to do. This calls for some serious artillery. Imay have to break out my playdough.

"Keep Moving Forward"

What a frickin DAY. It's so strange how I can blog about how completely awesome something is one day, and the next day it will get completely thrown back in my face....

ZK and I had a really rough day today. When I say rough, I mean that I had almost reached the end of my fuse. I have a pretty substantial amount of patience, as any childcare worker must. I've learned it and earned it over time through many of my work experiences as well as being the oldest of five children. I have methods. I have systems. I have plans and tools to help me get through chaotic situations. I HAVE CREDENTIALS, PEOPLE.


***(Is Not Impressed)***

The difference with my OWN child though, is that for some reason none of that matters. The kid knows how to push my buttons, and hooooooo boy does he ever push them. I have NO IDEA where he gets it from.....

Anyway, today he had me. He had me feeling a bit like a rubber band I guess. My sanity being stretched tighter and thinner and further and further... I was ready to either cry or scream or throw something. But, I didn't. I kept my cool. I don't know how except by the grace of God, but I did. Thankfully, Ace got home soon after I realized how bad it was getting and I was able to turn ZK over to him for a long talk and some time in his room to cool off. He and I BOTH needed time to cool off.
When he was born, I remember thinking there was no way I would ever be able to feel anything short of jubilant when he was with me. He was the center of the universe. My sunshine and my heart and my everything.

He still IS. He's still my baby. He still has me wrapped around his little finger. I would still jump through burning hoops just to get him to smile. Being a mother has taught me more than just how to survive with no sleep. It's taught me that love really can be completely unconditional. LIKE, however, is not.
I am absolutely ashamed to say this, but in all honesty I couldn't like him today. Even as I type that, I can't go back and read it over. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that mean that I fail? I really hope not.

I know something though and that is that weather I get a Pass or Fail grade today in parenting is not what matters. What matters is that at the end of the day I still love him more than words. I still give him hugs and kisses goodnight and I tell him that I love him and that in the morning I'll have his chocolate milk for him and we can watch "Ant Robinsons" (Meet The Robinsons) with his Mason when he gets here.

Tomorrow is another day, after all.
Tomorrow will be better.

"Keep Moving Forward, Lewis!"

Cathartic

I'm in a sad place today. I would say "a bad place", but I don't want to freak anyone out. I'm not angry. So, a better phrase would be "Sad Place".


I have everything to be happy about. I'm incredibly blessed and I know it. And yet.... and yet I'm sad right now. I can't pinpoint one single reason, as there are quite a few things troubling me. Maybe if I try to list some of them it will help me? I don't know. And if you're reading this, I'm not trying to ask you for help. Please don't take it that way. I don't like to ask for help. It makes me feel far too vulnerable.

* Money.- I am always worried about it, even when there is enough. The worst part of this is that as I child I SWORE I would never let money bother me. I know what it's like to be poor and I know I have and can survive it. My mother was always worried about the money and that in turn worried me. I understand where she was coming from now, though.

* Cleaning.- No matter how much I clean and how hard I try, I can never keep things as they should be. I am constantly behind and my home never looks the way I feel it should. I know that kids are messy. I know that it's all a part of childhood. You make messes and you play and you explore and discover and that's the way it is. I also know that my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder makes it almost impossible for me to go to bed at night if there are any toys on the floor in my living room. I hate that part of me. I wish she could just relax and let the mess be, but she can't. Cleaning is one of my coping mechanisms. It helps me to think and unwind my nerves and when it's done, I look around at a clean room and feel like I've accomplished something.

* My weight.- There. I said it. Out loud to the Internet and God and everybody. My weight is really really getting to me right now. I don't like how I look in pictures and I feel less and less satisfied with what I see in the mirror as each day passes. I know why my weight is up. It's up because I'm a stress-eater. I use food now the way I used cigarettes in the past. I use it to cope. One of the worst parts of this one is that I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. Something stressful will happen, such as my 3.5yr old having a meltdown, and suddenly I snap back to reality and realize I'm standing in front of the refrigerator. WTF?
I got a jogging stroller with the hope that it will give me another way to cope. I like to run. When I was in high school in California I used to wake up extra early during the summers so that I could go for a run and clear my head. It was like meditation for me. I want to have that again. I want to feel that way about myself again.

* My appearance in general.- This is one of the reasons I'm not asking for your help- because I don't WANT to hear all of the encouraging comments. All of the "Oh be quiet, you look great!" and the "Oh hush! Look at ME! At least you don't look like this!". I know how I want me to look and I know I don't look it. I don't care if you think I'm vain for saying so. There are a lot of things right now that I know can look better. They HAVE looked better and they can but they don't. It bothers me. A lot.

There are a few other things, but none that I feel comfortable discussing in this blog. They involve my relationships with people around me and writing about stuff like that on the Internet isn't a good way to fix it. In fact, quite the opposite.
And so, as I look over this list I realize that it's not as long as I'd thought it was. So there's that. I guess.

A Letter That Tells The Story.

I wrote this letter to a friend that I've recently been blessed to reconnect with. She is due to have her first baby boy this Friday. I decided that I would share it here, because it tells everything that I've wanted to tell about my trip to visit my family. A warning; it's quite a long read. I wrote it more for my benefit than anything. Writing helps me to sort out a lot of the things going on in my head.


*** Holy cow...you must be miserable! So today would make you 39wks and 3days... I gave birth to Zk at 38wks on the dot and CJ was 39wks 5 days so you may very well end up being pregnant longer than I ever have... Sorry, I know its not funny but I promise you'll be able to laugh about it someday. :)

As far as my trip goes, it did go a lot better than expected in some ways and not in others. My flight there was awesome! CJ fell asleep 10 minutes into the flight (a 4hour flight) and stayed asleep the whole time! Only problem with that was that he was in my lap and I couldn’t move or get up to pee.... I had to go so bad! But I was willing to sacrifice it to be able to keep him asleep for the other passengers!

My parents and siblings flew in the next morning and we met them at Ivar's. It’s a seafood place we used to always eat at when I was teeny tiny. I cried so hard when I saw the kids.... I had missed them so much it hurt. Corban is so big and handsome! He's 14years old! He's 5ft 10! He's like a MAN! It was so weird but he and I were totally able to reconnect and now we're so very close. He's so much fun and I feel so lucky to have him as a little brother. My little Rees is such a little man too :) He's 12! He's a handsome kid and the most kind and giving heart on the planet. He will make such an awesome perfect husband someday.
I don't know how well you remember Abby, but shes 9years old now! She is the sweetest little thing ! I love her so much. I got to straighten her hair and we went shopping and all of the things I don't get to do with her that big sisters are supposed to do. It was such a wonderful time with them. I miss them so much every day that even now I have to breathe deeply so that I don't start crying about it again.. I love them so very much.

It's so amazing how becoming a mother will change your heart. You will feel love on an even deeper and more Fierce level than you've ever experienced before... and not just for your child but for EVERYONE that you love. The world takes on a new meaning entirely and it all happens in that split second when you hear that first little cry... :) It's big stuff, I'm telling you.

So, anyway about my Dad; my parents were there at Ivar's and as I hugged everyone Hello he and I didn’t even go near each other. We made no eye contact. We all walked into the restaurant and you could have cut the tension with a knife.... My mom pointed to our tables and said "The kids will sit over there with Athena and Alex and you and the baby can sit over with Dad and I"........ My parents sat down on one side of the booth and she gestured for me to join them. "Uh oh", I thought... My heart raced and raced and I was having trouble breathing. My hands were trembling. Suddenly, I just acted without thinking...
"Hello friendly people..." I said and I sat down with the baby seat next to me. I looked warily in my father’s direction and he looked up at me (he'd been staring at his hands) with this strange look in his eyes... as if he felt I was dangerous?..... as if he were suspicious?
I smiled at him quickly with the corners of my mouth turned down as if greeting a stranger on the street and then went back to getting the baby settled. .....

And that was it.

We kind of started talking indirectly. adding things in to the conversation as my mother talked and talked and as we finished the meal I realized he and I were in some kind of agreement. A silent agreement that we would get along. Because we are adults. Because this trip was much too important. I was okay with that kind of agreement.

Going to see my Grampa was the part of the trip that I wish I could change. I will always wish it. Athena and I went to see him that morning before going to meet my parents and the kids at Ivar's. Athena explained to me (as she'd already been by to visit him the day before) that Grampa was very thin and not to be shocked by his appearance. He was still living at home but now because of his weak immune system no one was allowed to see him if they were sick. Even well people were to wear a medical mask and shoe covers and to sanitize their hands before touching him. Visits were limited to 10 minutes at a time and had to be scheduled at least an hour before hand. A lot of rules, but necessary rules to keep grampa well. To keep him ALIVE. I understood.

When we walked in I could never have been prepared for what I saw. He was sitting on the corner of his couch and he was just so very tiny and frail looking... but he was still so handsome.... He wasn't anything near the big strong grampa that I remembered. He looked very tired and weak. I put on my mask and sanitized and rushed over to sit next to him. He asked "Is that my Andrea??" and I quickly pulled back the corner of my mask to show him it was indeed me. I gave him my best smile before covering my face again with the mask.

His eyes welled up with tears as he told me that he thought about me more than I could ever know... That he thought about all of the fun that we used to have together... Emily I'm probably going to have that image in my head forever... I wish I wouldn't. I try to think of him the way I used to know him. The big, jolly, happy and wonderful man that used to take care of me. I try to think of him and the happy parts as best I can.

I quickly started talking about happy things like my Ace and Zk that weren't able to be there but "I will bring them soon! Next time they will be with me!" I showed him lots of pictures of them so that he could "meet" them as best he could and I quickly introduced him to a sleeping CJ before his wife told me it was time for us to go so that he could rest. I told him I loved him so much and that I would see him again soon.

Those 10 minutes were the last time I ever saw my Grampa. The date was Saturday, June 13. The next morning I woke up with a chest rattling cough and I knew I would not be allowed to go in to see him again. I couldn't be the one that got him sick and caused his death. I wouldn't do it. It's still so hard for me to think about.

The rest of the trip was filled with family and fun and love and visits with long lost cousins and it was all amazing. I had the time of my life. The day I had to get on a plane and leave was really hard. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. But, I really didn't have any choice. I had my own family to get back to and my job and my life. A life I've built with my husband and a life I truly love.


Being a grownup is really hard sometimes, you know? CJ fell asleep 20 minutes in after a poopy diaper change in an AIRPLANE BATHROOM DURING TURBULENCE...... okay so there was that one bad part... but the flight attendant gave he and I the ENTIRE back row of the plane to ourselves! Then, I even got his carseat so when he fell asleep I was able to have my hands free to stretch out and read! It was fabulous.

When we got off the plane I have never been so happy to see my handsome husband and my beautiful little boy waiting for us. It was good to be home.

I got home on Tuesday night. My parents & the kids were to stay in WA for another week to drive to Boise to visit with some of my other cousins. They left for Boise on Thursday night and an hour into their drive they got a phone call to turn back. My grampa had been rushed to the hospital because he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped. They had revived him, but he was now on life support and no longer conscious. The plan now was to get all of his children there to be with him because they were going to turn off the life support machines the next day.

I was stunned, but at the same time I was grateful. I was grateful that his children would all be able to be with him in his last moments. I sat by the phone all Friday, waiting for any news. Most of the time it was my mother calling to say they were still waiting.
That night at about 630pm I sent my last 2 daycare kids out the door when the phone rang. It was my father and all he told me was to stay on the line and not hang up. I heard only silence. I waited for about 10 minutes. In my heart, I knew what was going on but I refused to think about it until I heard it for sure. Then, I heard my mom and Athena's voices on the line. My mom asked "did you hear the singing?"

"I didn't hear anything.."
I guess what happemned was that they had athena and I on 3 way and they hadn't been able to patch me all the way through. It was okay, though.

"They're getting ready to turn off Grampa's machines now." She said. "We wanted you girls to be able to be here for it as best you could".

"Thank you." I said.

I heard the murmurs of many voices in the background as I waited on the phone. I felt like I was being pulled under water.

"Okay, they're taking his tubes out now, hang on"

"........."

About 3 minutes after that I hear the sounds of light crying and I heard a lot of "I love you" 's. My mom's voice came back and through tears she said "Okay, he's gone... I love you girls so much".

"We love you too, Mom. Tell Grandma we love her."

"Alright girls, I'm going to go now. I'm glad you could be part of this. I love you."

"love you- Goodbye".

I hung up the phone and walked into my kitchen (I'd been standing alone in the dark garage). As I looked up at Ace my eyes filled with tears and I sobbed uncontrollably. "He's gone" was all I could say.

Ace ran to me and wrapped me up in a big hug. I couldn't stop sobbing. But then, all of a sudden a strange calm came over me. The tears and sobbing stopped almost immediately and I was overcome with a feeling of peace. I realized at that moment that Grampa was okay now. He was finally on his way back to the loving arms of his heavenly father whom he had served so faithfully and tirelessly since the day he was born. I knew this with every fiber of my being. I didn't need to cry for him anymore.

And so, that is my answer. That is how my trip went, and that is what happened with my Dad and my Grampa.

It's been an interesting couple of months, to say the least. I do know though, that I am eternally grateful for the 10 minutes I got to spend with my grampa. I will never forget it. Even the sad parts were a blessing. I also know that my Dad and I will be okay. We always are. We’ll be fine.

Now, I move forward with my life with the knowledge that It is precious and short and that I must make the very most of it every SINGLE day. I must not let things like anger and fear keep me from happiness. I know now that if I always keep a place in my heart for forgiveness and then when it comes welcome it in, I will live a happy and blessed existence with those I love.

I'm glad I'm able to share these things with you, and if you've read this far then I thank you for being patient with me.

I'll keep you in my prayers this week as you wait for your little boy to arrive <3

Love- Andrea

I'd Been Gathering Moss...

I never get out of the house. Like, literally NEVER..... it would frighten you if you really knew how little I leave my home nowadays. I like to tell people it's because I work so many hours here and that by the time all of my kids are gone for the day I'm just too tired. Really though, I'm not really sure what the reason is. I guess I'm just in kind of a huge rut right now and have had no real desire to get out of it.

My friend J though, has a real talent for forcing people out of their comfort zone in the very sweetest way possible....



Holy Catfish Batman!!



That's right, I went indoor rock climbing. She really didn't give me much of a choice. She asked me to go on a night that Ace happened to be off work and she was sure to ask me in front of him so that he pretty much had to agree to watch the boys for me.
I must tell you right now that this is NOT something I would ever do normally. I am the LAST person on earth that would volunteer to do anything even remotely adrenaline fueled or involving heights...
I walked into that gym with knots in my stomach and a lump in my throat. J and Vee both assured me that I would NOT plummet to my death. They gave me a quick lesson on how to work the ropes and sent me up the wall!



I made it to the top on my very first try!






J is teh awesome.





It's a little awkward looking, but I never fell once :)



Vee = Sexy Spider Woman.



Party On Wayne.... ;)