30 Posts Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something You Need To Forgive Yourself For.

Okay, who ever came up with this list sure didn't make it easy on themselves.
I can think of so MANY things for this one. Who doesn't have regrets?

If I have to pick one thing though, I will just generalize it as that 3 year portion of my past that I only discuss with a few trusted friends. I said in the beginning that I promise to answer all of these questions as candidly and truthfully as possible and truthfully, the thing I most need to forgive myself for is that I am a recovering drug addict. For about 3 years, my life was completely and totally consumed by Crystal Meth.

I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the events of those three years. My mind has done a lot of work blocking it out for me while I've been busy with building my life as i know it now. Is that healthy? To compartmentalize the past and hope that it somehow just works itself out? I don't think so. I think that eventually it will show itself some way and I will be forced to figure out why it all happened.

Please don't misunderstand- I'm not trying to say that one day I just stopped using drugs and began a new me and acted like nothing happened. Not at all. It was a long and ragged road. I had days I wanted to just disappear and I begged and pleaded with God to just
Get rid of me. I felt like garbage. I felt all of the hurt I have caused others. I tried rehab. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried just fixing it on my own.
A combination of all of those things has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I've been clean for 6 years. I have no intention of going back to that life EVER. I also know though, that being an addict isn't something that goes away. You're never actually "cured", you only try to live each day in a way that keeps you as close to God as possible. As close to humility and gratitude as possible.

Have I gotten the system down yet? Absolutely, positively NO. If I had it down, I wouldn't be here writing about how I need to forgive myself for all of it. I have though, made progress. Baby steps.

Today I am at least aware of many parts of my problem and what it stems from. Im aware that I must always be watchig myself and examining my intentions in every situation. I know that each moment must be lived "on purpose" rather than just being reactive.

Today I know that I have a heart full of gratitude. I'm grateful for the good AND the bad in my life. I'm grateful for the ground I've covered to separate my here and now from my there and then. I'm grateful that I've come to a very REAL realization that God has been here with me the whole time, even when I was sure I was too far gone to be salvaged.

Have I forgiven myself yet? Not even close. But I'm trying, and I'm working. Im searching, and I'm certain that one day it will all come together and make sense as soon as I'm completely ready to understand.