30 Posts Of Truth- Day 12

Day 12- Something you never get compliments on.

What? What the heck am I supposed to say to that? I never get compliments on a lot of things, mainly because I won't let you compliment me on them. I definitely already covered this.
A lot of the time I wonder why I didn't read through this whole list before actually starting this project. I totally didn't. I'm kind of shocked with myself. I'm the type that never starts a project without first analyzing every detail and setting up my game plan. I'm the queen of making things more efficient for myself and thinking through things.

I must have forgotten about all that 2 weeks ago.
Oh well. I'm having fun. Are you?

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 10 AND 11.

Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you had never met.

Being as I'm off on my days for these posts anyway (and my OCD is most definitely NOT okay with that), I'm going to choose this one to just skip all together because I don't HAVE anyone in my life that I wis I'd never met. If I feel that way about someone, I'm not very good at hiding it. They're usually out of the picture pretty quickly.

So! On to day 11! And now finally, my post numbers will coincide with the date and my sweet, neurotic little heart can finally be at peace about it. Yay!

Day 11- something people usually seem to compliment you on.

Urrrmmmmm..... Okay so here's the thing... I'm one of those people (dUh. DUH.) that doesn't take a compliment well. Not at all not ever no ma'am. I'm not sure really what causes me to react the way I do. I get- defensive? Irritated? Annoyed? I'm not sure what to call it. I know one thing though, that I get REALLY uncomfortable.
Could it be that whole masochism issue I discussed before?

I think that's probably exactly what it is. Anyway, the point being that I'm not good with compliments. This unfortunately means that usually when I am given one I don't ever remember it later because "SO not true. Please stop talking to me now before I get all weird.... Oh wait...."

If I were to pick one thing that has actually stayed with me though I would say it's what I've been hearing from YOU recently. You, right there, at your computer/laptop/smart phone or whatever it is, that have been reading these rambling, completely narcissistic posts that I've been publishing the last 11 days.

You've had nothing but warm, kind words for me. I don't know that I can really put into words what that means to me, and what it has done for me. I mean, I spoke and someone really CARED? Like REALLY? Someone READ IT?
OH MYLANTA THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE. WILL ONE OF YOU BE SO KIND AS TO BRING ME A BAG TO BREATHE INTO?
Because I'm feeling a bit faint.


Thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. Thank you most of all for even caring. I don't know what else to say.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 9

Day 9- Someone You Didn't Want To Let Go But Just Drifted.

If I had a dollar for every person I could name for this one, I could probably pay off my house right this minute. I'm not even really exaggerating.
Throughout my childhood, my family lived what I would call a "modern-day nomadic" lifestyle. To put it simply, we moved. A lot. All the time. We moved to where the money was. Then, to where the family was and eventually to where the money would be again. I knew each time we moved that it was for the good of our family. My parents were doing whatever they could to continually better our financial situation and living conditions. I believe every parent has that goal, no matter how well off they are to begin with. You always want better for your family and especially your children.

One of the more difficult things about that lifestyle though, was having to constantly be uprooted and placed into new situations with new people. The new people part I really didn't mind too much. That was always an interesting combination of thrilling and terrifying. The part that really hurt me was that I was never able to form the types of friendships that were made to last. Every new friendship I came into had to be built on a foundation of fear and uncertainty. I was afraid to get too attached to anyone because I was afraid of the pain of losing them again in a year or two.
It was this fear and uncertainty that caused me to push so many potentially amazing friendships away. I've hurt a lot of people because of it. People that deserved for me to be as good of a friend to them as they were trying to be for me. As they tried harder and harder to get close to me, I would grow colder and sometimes even hostile. Because I was afraid.

Some of those people I've managed to reconnect with through the magical world of Facebook. A few of them I've actually been able to discuss this with and attempt to make amends. With some of them, it has been worked out. With others, it hasn't and I really don't blame them.

I would like to think I've gotten past a lot of those issues now. I've lived in the same state for almost 9 years. I don't plan on going anywhere. That's not all it takes to fix it though. I've had to make a conscious effort in each of my relationships here to keep working at the friendship. Things that would just come naturally to some people like calling someone to see how they're doing, inviting someone over, allowing someone into my comfort zone without completely freaking out and deleting their number- have had to be worked at slowly and consistently.

I can count on one hand the number of close friends I have now. These people though, are more than just close friends to me. They are family. They are woven so deeply into my life and my heart that there is nothing that could ever change the love I have for them. I trust them, I love them and I cherish them. I would do just about anything they asked of me if they needed me.

The best thing about all of that to me though is that it really wouldn't be that way- I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with them or the dedication to maintaining it that I have now- had I not gone through everything else to get to this point.

See? Greatful for the good things AND the bad. Really. ;)

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 8.

Day 8- Someone That Made Your Life Hell, Or Treated You Like S#*+.

I'm opting out of this one. I'll be honest enough to tell you that a name comes to mind when I read that question, but I'm not out to drag anyone's name through the mud. I don't feel like I need to do that. I have better things to do. But, it is still NaBloPoMo and a post must be written.

So, hi! I'm posting! And totally phoning it in!
I have a bottle of Chardonnay waiting for me in the fridge and Ace and I have Anchor Man - The Legend Of Ron Burgundy recorded on DVR. Lazy time! Yay!
Back to the real stuff tomorrow I promise. Happy Tuesday night all! Love Ya! Mean it!

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 7.

Day 7- Someone that made your life worth living.

Well! This one is ridiculously easy. I have kids! I have a husband! How could I not have someone to write about?

Today though, I'd actually like to pick just one of them. This one today, deserves to be discussed.
You may remember me mentioning a couple of days ago that I am recovering from a drug addiction. I went to rehab, I went to AA, I went through Hell. That Hell was followed by selling our house, moving in with the in-laws to get ourselves out of $15k of debt, and a traumatic miscarriage.
There was a relapse. I won't say of what and i won't say where or when, but it would have been the first of many. It would have been the starting again of that slippery slope into weighing 100 pounds and staying awake without food for 3 weeks at a time. Except that it led to what resulted in a second in my life positive pregnancy test.

I was at my parents house the day i found out. I was late and I had that feeling of hope that I was almost too afraid to allow myself to feel. I decided to take a test.

That test wasn't just positive.... It was my Zackary.
I remember that I spent that pregnancy refusing to allow myself to hope. I was too scared. I was too afraid to become attached again.
I stayed sober, I stayed clean, I stayed terrified and hopeful the entire time.

December 28, 2005 is the day that my life finally began to make sense. I had someone that needed me. Not just wanted me there, but really, truly, honestly needed me to keep them alive. I had a purpose and I had finally figured out WHY I am here.

He was my first. He will always be my first. He is the one that for the past almost five years has taught me how to love completely and unconditionally. He is the one that I would give my life for. The first one. He will always be the first one. My little mini-boy-version-of-me. My first one and only center of the universe.

I love you Zack. Thank you for helping the 22 year old me see that life really is amazing and that even when things are too hard, they can and will get done. We can do it.



Thank you so much, Baby.
Love, Mama.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 6

Day 6- Something you hope you never have to do.

I really dont want to do this one. It's just ASKING for a depressing post, isn't it? I don't feel like being heavy or depressing today. It doesn't sound fun. I'm sure you don't mind.

What else can I talk about? For starters, today is a big day for me. It's the first day since CJ was about 2 months old (So in about 20 months) that I haven't taken an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. Fort hose of you that don't know, I experienced some pretty severe postpartum depression and anxiety after CJ was born. It knocked me on my backside BIGtime. I knew what was happening to me though, thank goodness. I also knew that it was to be expected as these conditions are hard-wired into my genetics. So, I started the rollercoaster ride that is PPD and PPD meds and I had my good days and my terrible days. I started with wellbutrin.

Let me tell you, in the beginning I really though that drug was helpful. I wasn't irritable anymore! I wasn't keeping the blinds drawn all day long! This was good! Until I began experiencing all of the weird side effects.... Peripheral hallucinations? Check. Panic attacks without provocation? Check check and CHECK! I started to realize that maybe I was taking the wrong thing, so I went to my doctor and he immediately FREAKED out about me taking Wellbutrin (which had been prescribed by my midwife). No WONDER you're having anxiety attacks! He said with his best WTF expression.
He wrote me a prescription for Zoloft and sent me home. I was filled with hope and ready to try something new. Maybe this will fix me! Please? And it really did fix it for a little while. For a few months I finally felt like "Me" again. No more panic attacks, no more anything. One day though, it just stopped working. I was having panic attacks at the supermarket, getting dizzy spells while driving and just feeling like something was wrong all of the time. Back to the doctor I went.

He wrote me a prescription for Prozac and decided to combine it with a drug called Buspirone, which is used primarily to treat panic attacks. I of course trusted his advice and began taking both medications daily. I discussed these medications with a person very close to me, because I knew they had a great deal of experience with these medicines. They had nothing but bad things to say about Buspirone. I decided that since they didn't have a medical degree, I should probably just default to the opinion of my doctor.
Skip forward to the part where I am eating a lot of CROW...
I began waking up in the middle of the night with tourettes-like tics. I was tired all the time. I was like a walking zombie. I decided maybe I should try the other person's advice. I stopped taking just the buspirone and WHAT do you know?
No more tics. No more flat-line moods. No more feeling sleepy all the time. In other words, if you want my opinion? DONT TOUCH BUSPIRONE or Buspar with a 10 foot pole. Just don't do it. It will SCREW YOU UP.

So the Prozac worked for a couple of months. I'd been feeling pretty good and was actually STILL feeling pretty good when one day last week, I decided I was ready to be done with all of this. I mean, if it's only PPD then I should eventually be over with it, right? So I decided to cut my Prozac dosage in half for a week to taper off of it slowly. Today was day 8. It was the day I would stop taking it all together. So far? I'm totally great. A little sleepy, but other than that completely okay. Fortunately, Prozac is supposed to be the easiest drug to come off of due to it's log half-life.
Check back with me in three days though, when it should all supposedly be out of my system. If I sound a little crazy(crazier!)? Please know that it's because of that..... I swear!

Hey wait! I know how to answer the question! One thing I hope to never have to do in my life is TAKE ANOTHER STUPID CHEMICAL ANTI-DEPRESSANT.
Please and Thank you.
The End.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 5

Day 5- Something you want to do in your life.

This one has had me stumped all day long. I can think of several things that I want to do. One thing though sticks out over all of the rest. I want a daughter.

So what if I never have one? What if I try again and we have a third amazing
, precious, adorable, perfect son? What if I get another handsome little best friend mama's boy that has me wrapped around his pinky finger just like the other two do?

I'll be more than okay with that. In fact, I'm more than okay with having just the two that I have now. I feel stupid lucky. I already feel like I've got more than I could ever have wished for.

A part of me though, hopes that one day I can have a little girl. A girl that I can dress up in pink and bows. A girl that I can give a beautiful name and that I can spoil and love on and treat like a beautiful little princess.

So, say that never happens... Say I never have any more? I really promise that I'm okay with that. More than okay. I mean, have you SEEN my little men? Have you had the joy of meeting them? They are my everything.

A girl can dream though, yes?

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 4

Day 4- Something You Need To Forgive Someone For.

Okay. Im going to completely cop out on this one. You know why? Because I don't have an answer for it.

I don't have any one person in my life that I feel like I need to forgive for something. I'm not holding any grudges.

A few years ago, I remember thinking of myself as someone that could hold a grudge indefinitely. Then? Then I became an addict.
It taught me something. The "Bad Guys" don't actually exist in most situations. Most of the time? There are just a bunch of people doing what they really feel like they need to do to get where they need to go. There are only people.

I'm sure most would disagree with me. I mean, there are plenty of bad people in the world, right?
My moral compass refuses to point that direction. I believe that people are generally good, and that every action is committed with the best intentions relative to the person committing the act.

Disagree with me? Good. That's your job and your right and your obligation. I respect your opinion.
The bottom line though, before I have to dig so deeply into such emotional and serious matters is that NO. I don't have anyone that i need to forgive for anything. Who am I to be the one with the authority to decide that they've done wrong in the first place? I don't know YOUR heart and I don't know theirs.

I'm not angry with anyone.

30 Posts Of Truth- Day 3

Day 3- Something You Need To Forgive Yourself For.

Okay, who ever came up with this list sure didn't make it easy on themselves.
I can think of so MANY things for this one. Who doesn't have regrets?

If I have to pick one thing though, I will just generalize it as that 3 year portion of my past that I only discuss with a few trusted friends. I said in the beginning that I promise to answer all of these questions as candidly and truthfully as possible and truthfully, the thing I most need to forgive myself for is that I am a recovering drug addict. For about 3 years, my life was completely and totally consumed by Crystal Meth.

I really don't want to go into a lot of detail about the events of those three years. My mind has done a lot of work blocking it out for me while I've been busy with building my life as i know it now. Is that healthy? To compartmentalize the past and hope that it somehow just works itself out? I don't think so. I think that eventually it will show itself some way and I will be forced to figure out why it all happened.

Please don't misunderstand- I'm not trying to say that one day I just stopped using drugs and began a new me and acted like nothing happened. Not at all. It was a long and ragged road. I had days I wanted to just disappear and I begged and pleaded with God to just
Get rid of me. I felt like garbage. I felt all of the hurt I have caused others. I tried rehab. I tried Alcoholics Anonymous. I tried just fixing it on my own.
A combination of all of those things has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I've been clean for 6 years. I have no intention of going back to that life EVER. I also know though, that being an addict isn't something that goes away. You're never actually "cured", you only try to live each day in a way that keeps you as close to God as possible. As close to humility and gratitude as possible.

Have I gotten the system down yet? Absolutely, positively NO. If I had it down, I wouldn't be here writing about how I need to forgive myself for all of it. I have though, made progress. Baby steps.

Today I am at least aware of many parts of my problem and what it stems from. Im aware that I must always be watchig myself and examining my intentions in every situation. I know that each moment must be lived "on purpose" rather than just being reactive.

Today I know that I have a heart full of gratitude. I'm grateful for the good AND the bad in my life. I'm grateful for the ground I've covered to separate my here and now from my there and then. I'm grateful that I've come to a very REAL realization that God has been here with me the whole time, even when I was sure I was too far gone to be salvaged.

Have I forgiven myself yet? Not even close. But I'm trying, and I'm working. Im searching, and I'm certain that one day it will all come together and make sense as soon as I'm completely ready to understand.

30 Days Of Truth- Day 2

Day 2: Name something that you love about yourself.

Ummmm, help? I guess you wouldn't be able to help me with that one since it has to be something I love about me, right? Congratulations, captain obvious.

This post is a lot harder to write than yesterday's. I suppose though, that if you've read yesterday's post then you already know that, don't you? How am I supposed to think of something I love about myself if I'm my own worst critic? I thought about it long and hard today and suddenly realized what a complete and total masochist I am....

You know what I love most about myself? The very same thing that I HATE most about myself.

I am my own worst critic.

Confusing, right? Or is it?
As I said before, I am a masochist. To my very core.

"Mas·och·ism   
[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA
–noun
gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification."

Yeah. Maybe I know me a little better than I give myself credit for.

More than you wanted to know about me?
Then quit reading. It's my blog.
...... Intrigued?
You're obviously my kind of people. Let's go out for margaritas.

30 posts of truth- day 1.

I found my inspiration for NaBloPoMo here.
Her blog is one of my absolute favorites. Her writing is beautiful and honest and she has a way of reaching my emotions and making me feel every part of her story as if I were there living it with her. You should read her stuff. :-)

So anyway! Day one of the 30 posts of truth says to name something that you hate about yourself...............

Geez. Wouldn't it just be easier to name the few things I DON'T?.....
I guess that very statement, if I really think about it embodies exactly what I hate about myself; I am my own worst critic.
For as long as I can remember, I have always known that if I were to be confronted by someone who had negative things to say about me, their list of complaints could never be as long or as painstakingly detailed as my own list would be. About myself.
I don't know how I got to be that type of person or if there was any specific event in my life that caused me to think of myself as less than worthy, but no matter what situation I'm in, I am always feeling like everyone else has the upper hand. Even if I'm right and they're obviously wrong I always immediately assume that I must be the one that's out of line. I'm the one who acted incorrectly.

I really don't have any other way to elaborate on that topic, though, because I still haven't really figured out how to fix it.
How does one change a way of thinking they have had for their entire life? I assume the same way that I change anything else about myself; slowly but surely.

And so, I begin this 30 posts of truth project. I hope that in doing this I will be able to get to know the real me a lot better. I plan to answer every single question as candidly and honestly as humanly possible.
I promise that a lot of it won't be pretty. I also promise that I don't care if it's entertaining, uplifting, depressing or offensive. I only care to complete it to the best of my ability in hopes of reaching a better understanding of who I really am.

Care to be a fly on the wall?
Im an open book folks. Buckle up.

NaBloPoMo? Sure!

Hi. I think I'm gonna try this again. Why not? I haven't posted since June and even before then maybe twice this year. I'd like to try to get back to this. I enjoy doing it.
The Rangers just lost the World Series to the Giants. I'm sad. At the same time though, there are no losers here. We made it to the WORLD SERIES. WE EVEN WON ONE OF THE GAMES. We beat the YANKEES.

Goodnight Internet. This month promises to be interesting at the very least. I'm thinking maybe "30 days of truth"? Or at least 29... Being as November only HAS 30 days. ;-)