I wrote this letter to a friend that I've recently been blessed to reconnect with. She is due to have her first baby boy this Friday. I decided that I would share it here, because it tells everything that I've wanted to tell about my trip to visit my family. A warning; it's quite a long read. I wrote it more for my benefit than anything. Writing helps me to sort out a lot of the things going on in my head.
*** Holy cow...you must be miserable! So today would make you 39wks and 3days... I gave birth to Zk at 38wks on the dot and CJ was 39wks 5 days so you may very well end up being pregnant longer than I ever have... Sorry, I know its not funny but I promise you'll be able to laugh about it someday. :)
As far as my trip goes, it did go a lot better than expected in some ways and not in others. My flight there was awesome! CJ fell asleep 10 minutes into the flight (a 4hour flight) and stayed asleep the whole time! Only problem with that was that he was in my lap and I couldn’t move or get up to pee.... I had to go so bad! But I was willing to sacrifice it to be able to keep him asleep for the other passengers!
My parents and siblings flew in the next morning and we met them at Ivar's. It’s a seafood place we used to always eat at when I was teeny tiny. I cried so hard when I saw the kids.... I had missed them so much it hurt. Corban is so big and handsome! He's 14years old! He's 5ft 10! He's like a MAN! It was so weird but he and I were totally able to reconnect and now we're so very close. He's so much fun and I feel so lucky to have him as a little brother. My little Rees is such a little man too :) He's 12! He's a handsome kid and the most kind and giving heart on the planet. He will make such an awesome perfect husband someday.
I don't know how well you remember Abby, but shes 9years old now! She is the sweetest little thing ! I love her so much. I got to straighten her hair and we went shopping and all of the things I don't get to do with her that big sisters are supposed to do. It was such a wonderful time with them. I miss them so much every day that even now I have to breathe deeply so that I don't start crying about it again.. I love them so very much.
It's so amazing how becoming a mother will change your heart. You will feel love on an even deeper and more Fierce level than you've ever experienced before... and not just for your child but for EVERYONE that you love. The world takes on a new meaning entirely and it all happens in that split second when you hear that first little cry... :) It's big stuff, I'm telling you.
So, anyway about my Dad; my parents were there at Ivar's and as I hugged everyone Hello he and I didn’t even go near each other. We made no eye contact. We all walked into the restaurant and you could have cut the tension with a knife.... My mom pointed to our tables and said "The kids will sit over there with Athena and Alex and you and the baby can sit over with Dad and I"........ My parents sat down on one side of the booth and she gestured for me to join them. "Uh oh", I thought... My heart raced and raced and I was having trouble breathing. My hands were trembling. Suddenly, I just acted without thinking...
"Hello friendly people..." I said and I sat down with the baby seat next to me. I looked warily in my father’s direction and he looked up at me (he'd been staring at his hands) with this strange look in his eyes... as if he felt I was dangerous?..... as if he were suspicious?
I smiled at him quickly with the corners of my mouth turned down as if greeting a stranger on the street and then went back to getting the baby settled. .....
And that was it.
We kind of started talking indirectly. adding things in to the conversation as my mother talked and talked and as we finished the meal I realized he and I were in some kind of agreement. A silent agreement that we would get along. Because we are adults. Because this trip was much too important. I was okay with that kind of agreement.
Going to see my Grampa was the part of the trip that I wish I could change. I will always wish it. Athena and I went to see him that morning before going to meet my parents and the kids at Ivar's. Athena explained to me (as she'd already been by to visit him the day before) that Grampa was very thin and not to be shocked by his appearance. He was still living at home but now because of his weak immune system no one was allowed to see him if they were sick. Even well people were to wear a medical mask and shoe covers and to sanitize their hands before touching him. Visits were limited to 10 minutes at a time and had to be scheduled at least an hour before hand. A lot of rules, but necessary rules to keep grampa well. To keep him ALIVE. I understood.
When we walked in I could never have been prepared for what I saw. He was sitting on the corner of his couch and he was just so very tiny and frail looking... but he was still so handsome.... He wasn't anything near the big strong grampa that I remembered. He looked very tired and weak. I put on my mask and sanitized and rushed over to sit next to him. He asked "Is that my Andrea??" and I quickly pulled back the corner of my mask to show him it was indeed me. I gave him my best smile before covering my face again with the mask.
His eyes welled up with tears as he told me that he thought about me more than I could ever know... That he thought about all of the fun that we used to have together... Emily I'm probably going to have that image in my head forever... I wish I wouldn't. I try to think of him the way I used to know him. The big, jolly, happy and wonderful man that used to take care of me. I try to think of him and the happy parts as best I can.
I quickly started talking about happy things like my Ace and Zk that weren't able to be there but "I will bring them soon! Next time they will be with me!" I showed him lots of pictures of them so that he could "meet" them as best he could and I quickly introduced him to a sleeping CJ before his wife told me it was time for us to go so that he could rest. I told him I loved him so much and that I would see him again soon.
Those 10 minutes were the last time I ever saw my Grampa. The date was Saturday, June 13. The next morning I woke up with a chest rattling cough and I knew I would not be allowed to go in to see him again. I couldn't be the one that got him sick and caused his death. I wouldn't do it. It's still so hard for me to think about.
The rest of the trip was filled with family and fun and love and visits with long lost cousins and it was all amazing. I had the time of my life. The day I had to get on a plane and leave was really hard. I didn't want to leave my family. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. But, I really didn't have any choice. I had my own family to get back to and my job and my life. A life I've built with my husband and a life I truly love.
Being a grownup is really hard sometimes, you know? CJ fell asleep 20 minutes in after a poopy diaper change in an AIRPLANE BATHROOM DURING TURBULENCE...... okay so there was that one bad part... but the flight attendant gave he and I the ENTIRE back row of the plane to ourselves! Then, I even got his carseat so when he fell asleep I was able to have my hands free to stretch out and read! It was fabulous.
When we got off the plane I have never been so happy to see my handsome husband and my beautiful little boy waiting for us. It was good to be home.
I got home on Tuesday night. My parents & the kids were to stay in WA for another week to drive to Boise to visit with some of my other cousins. They left for Boise on Thursday night and an hour into their drive they got a phone call to turn back. My grampa had been rushed to the hospital because he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped. They had revived him, but he was now on life support and no longer conscious. The plan now was to get all of his children there to be with him because they were going to turn off the life support machines the next day.
I was stunned, but at the same time I was grateful. I was grateful that his children would all be able to be with him in his last moments. I sat by the phone all Friday, waiting for any news. Most of the time it was my mother calling to say they were still waiting.
That night at about 630pm I sent my last 2 daycare kids out the door when the phone rang. It was my father and all he told me was to stay on the line and not hang up. I heard only silence. I waited for about 10 minutes. In my heart, I knew what was going on but I refused to think about it until I heard it for sure. Then, I heard my mom and Athena's voices on the line. My mom asked "did you hear the singing?"
"I didn't hear anything.."
I guess what happemned was that they had athena and I on 3 way and they hadn't been able to patch me all the way through. It was okay, though.
"They're getting ready to turn off Grampa's machines now." She said. "We wanted you girls to be able to be here for it as best you could".
"Thank you." I said.
I heard the murmurs of many voices in the background as I waited on the phone. I felt like I was being pulled under water.
"Okay, they're taking his tubes out now, hang on"
"........."
About 3 minutes after that I hear the sounds of light crying and I heard a lot of "I love you" 's. My mom's voice came back and through tears she said "Okay, he's gone... I love you girls so much".
"We love you too, Mom. Tell Grandma we love her."
"Alright girls, I'm going to go now. I'm glad you could be part of this. I love you."
"love you- Goodbye".
I hung up the phone and walked into my kitchen (I'd been standing alone in the dark garage). As I looked up at Ace my eyes filled with tears and I sobbed uncontrollably. "He's gone" was all I could say.
Ace ran to me and wrapped me up in a big hug. I couldn't stop sobbing. But then, all of a sudden a strange calm came over me. The tears and sobbing stopped almost immediately and I was overcome with a feeling of peace. I realized at that moment that Grampa was okay now. He was finally on his way back to the loving arms of his heavenly father whom he had served so faithfully and tirelessly since the day he was born. I knew this with every fiber of my being. I didn't need to cry for him anymore.
And so, that is my answer. That is how my trip went, and that is what happened with my Dad and my Grampa.
It's been an interesting couple of months, to say the least. I do know though, that I am eternally grateful for the 10 minutes I got to spend with my grampa. I will never forget it. Even the sad parts were a blessing. I also know that my Dad and I will be okay. We always are. We’ll be fine.
Now, I move forward with my life with the knowledge that It is precious and short and that I must make the very most of it every SINGLE day. I must not let things like anger and fear keep me from happiness. I know now that if I always keep a place in my heart for forgiveness and then when it comes welcome it in, I will live a happy and blessed existence with those I love.
I'm glad I'm able to share these things with you, and if you've read this far then I thank you for being patient with me.
I'll keep you in my prayers this week as you wait for your little boy to arrive <3
Love- Andrea
