Because it seems so very appropriate to post this on Mother's day.
The day is Wednesday, January 14th 2009. I woke at 3am to the sound of the radio alarm clock. We had to be at the hospital by 5:30 and by God I would NOT be in labor with bedhead and no makeup! So, I showered and got ready my heart racing the entire time. I checked my packing lists again and again to be sure I hadn't forgotten some small thing.
ZK was in his bed sleeping soundly and although we had discussed at length the night before that today was the day baby brother was coming out, I knew he really had no idea how big today really was. His last morning as my only baby, my only center of the universe.
Ace woke up about 4:15 and I have never in my life seen him wake up that easily. He was almost as nervous as I was. We got everything packed and into the car. I went over ZK's routine again with his Mimi because she woud be spending the next few days with him at her house. Poor ZK was sick with RSV at the time and he wouldn't be able to be around baby brother until he got better because of the extreme risk the illness poses to new babies.
We got into the car and made the quick 5 minute drive to the hospital. The elevator ride to the 3rd floor was almost more than I could handle. My stomach was doing acrobatics and I quickly regretted eating that toasted english muffin with Jam.. we checked in at the desk and the nurses all seemed very friendly and sweet. They informed me that the Birthing Tub room that I wanted waasn't available yet, but that the family using it would be checking out later that morning. I told them it was fine, because I was positive it would be quite awhile before I was ready to have a baby. My first labor was 23 hours! This one should be no different, right?.........
The took me into a regular birthing room and instructed me to change into my lovely hospital gown. I would need to be monitored in bed for at least 30-45 minutes before I would be allowed to get up and walk around as I pleased. I went into the little blue bathroom with its cold tile floor and I remember looking into the mirror and thinking "This is IT". It was time to do the hardest thing I had ever done (after giving birth to ZK- his was with an epidural, though) and I was going to
willingly do it without any kind of pain medication. I was a crazy person. Oh well! Time to have a baby!
I changed into the gown and the little blue slipper socks and walked out knowing that Ace expected me to pose for a photo-
HelLOOO puffy cheeks! Wow, I'd forgotten how puffy I got!
So this is where the fun starts. My first nurse was a much older Mexican woman. She was small and thin and very much felt like a grandmother. She clucked over me and fussed and fixed my bedding and I instantly loved her. I can't remember any of my nurses names and most of their faces are a fuzzy memory, but this woman sticks in my mind. The reason I remember her the most I assume is because she is the one who saved my life...
She prepped me for my IV of saline and pitocin and as she3 cleaned my arm I warned her that my veins are notorious for rolling over when someone tries to draw blood. I had learned this over the course of my pregnancy as every time I had to get bloodwork done it always took the person at least 3 sticks to get a good vein.
*shudder* She simply Tsk-Tsk'ed and aimed her needle.
I felt myself getting anxious and a little dizzy. Her first attempt failed. By the third attempt, I felt my breathing start to speed up. By the fifth attempt, I knew I was in trouble. The needle found a vein on her 6th and final attempt and I felt a strange feeling at the injection site, as if I could FEEL the blood leaving my arm. Everything started to go blue.
"I feel funny" I whimpered, sweat beading on my forehead. My hands started to shake violently.
"what do you mean 'funny'??!" she asked in a panicked tone.
.... "I don't know!"- I felt myself slipping.. thats the only way I can explain it. The way that I imagine dying feels like. I'd never felt it before but somehow I knew that this might be it. Monitors were going off everywhere and the room was filled with loud beeps and ringing noises. Nurses were rushing in and someone was lowering the head end of my bed so that I was almost sliding off head to floor. I saw a bright flash of light in front of my eyes and around it was all purple and dark. The voices of Ace and the nurses started to go fuzzy and faint. I was sure this was 'It'...
Then, suddenly, the bright light faded. The sounds in the room became sharp and clear. My eyes began to refocus and just as quickly as it had happened, it was gone. I was back. Apparently, I my blood pressure had plummeted while I was having an anxiety attack. I looked around to see the nurses and Ace all staring at me in panic.
Grandma nurse- "Are you okay now?!"
Me-" I feel better. I don't know what just happened"
Grandma Nurse-"You just gave me a heart attack, that's what just happened!!"
Me- "yeah, I've had a couple of anxiety attacks before, it kind of felt like that but much worse"
Grandma Nurse- "That may have been a good thing to mention to me in the very beginning, hunny!"
The baby had remained stable during my whole episode, but about 5 mniutes after I came around, his blood pressure dropped. It dropped so low that everyone was in a panic again. Grandma nurse looked at me and said "We're calling Aliza (my midwife). If this happens again you're going into the operating room. Things will start to move very fast so be ready". When I heard that, my heart nearly broke in two. A c-section was NOT what I wanted to do! I could do this! My baby could do this! I fought back tears of frustration.
By the grace of God, things began to move along without incident. Aliza showed up at 6am, looking as if shed been shaken awake. Her eyes were still foggy with sleep and she was trying to tie back her bedhead with a ponytail. I have never been so happy to see someone! She is an amazing calming presence. She told me that since I was fine, she was going to go get coffee and be back in to check me in a little while.
In the beginning, the contractions were like nothing. They came every few minutes and I would simply look at the monitor and go about watching the news. A few hours later (around 11:00 am) I was starting to feel them but they weren't at all painful. just sort of a tightening in my lower abdomen. They finally told me that I could get up and walk around or sit on the birthing ball if I wanted. I decided the ball was the best option as I could bounce and rock on it while I contracted.
I probably ate my weight in Airheads lollipops. I remember the neonate nurse coming in to meet me and being amazed that I was still smiling and talking. "You're nowhere near ready" she told me. "I'll know when you're ready because you won't be smiling or talking like that anymore. Ha!". Then, my midwife came in to check me. I didn't want to get back into that bed. I was so much more comfortable sitting up on the ball. She insisted this was the only way she could check me, and I grudgingly heaved myself up into bed again. To my shock, I was already at 5.5 centimeters! I had only been in actual labor since 8am! This was wonderful news.
Aliza asked me if I wanted her to break my water and I was more than willing. When she went to break it she kept saying "you have a bag of STEEL!". It took her almost 10 minutes to get a hook into it. Needless to say, the procedure left me a little more than grumpy.
The contractions picked up. They got stronger and faster and more intense.
I went back to the birthing ball. I remember that as each contraction came my eyes would unfocus and my breathing would get deeper and more rythmic all on its own. I was deeply relaxed in my head and I don't remember it hurting at this time. I was deep into my own mind and I barely noticed anyone or anything around me. I would rock back and forth and side to side and breathe and breathe. Then, when the contraction was over it was like waking up again. I could talk and think and everything was normal.
Around 2pm I remember Aliza came to check me again. I was at 7cm and she was turning up my pitocin. By this time I was definitely feeling pain and I was getting pretty dazed. I remember during one contraction, my new nurse came in for the third time to ask me if I wanted anything for pain. I looked at her in an angry daze and hissed "STOP ASKING ME THAT!!". She recoiled and apologized and left the room. I remember the sound of Ace laughing nervously. Then, everything changed almost at once. Contractions were hard and fast and all of a sudden I couldn't "get on top of them". I felt like I was being dragged under water and the pain was getting to be more than I could bear. Aliza asked me if I wanted to go into the birthing tub room. I couldn't do anything but shake my head and "I don't know". She told me she wanted me to get back up on the bed for a bit. I DID NOT WANT to be in that bed. It hurt more to labor there, and it was harder to manage the contractions. She told me I had to because she knew I was close and she needed to check me again. I don't know how I managed to lift myself up into that bed again, but I did it- cursing her the entire way.
That's when I got ugly. She ckecked me as I cried and moaned and then she told me I was almost 9 centimeters. I wailed in pain as the next contraction came. For the first time, I looked at her and said "I don't think I can DO this!". She took me firmly by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes- "YES. You CAN do this."
The next contraction came at that moment. I couldn't handle it. I kicked and writhed and screamed in absolute agony. I'm sure I could be heard throughout the entire L&D floor. Those poor people! When that contraction ended, I looked to Aliza with desperation. I told her I could NOT do this and begged for the epidural. I will never forget that moment. The look on her face as she told me what I needed to hear.
"No, Andrea. You have worked too hard for this. This is what you wanted and have waited 9 months for. You are TOO CLOSE. I can't let you throw it all away now. You are strong and you can do this." I looked to Ace, his face white as a sheet and he said "You can do it, baby. I know you can".
I threw back my head into the bed and the tears poured as the next contraction hit full force. I was bawling and losing strength. When that contraction finished, Aliza asked me if I wanted her to turn down the pitocin for a few minutes to rest so that I could begin pushing. I nodded weakly and collapsed back into the bed. I heard the beeps of the machine as she turned the drip down and when the next contraction came it wasn't quite as intense. For the next hour od so, I drifted in and out of consciousness as each contraction came and went. I was in a sort of trance, now. As each one came I pictured the baby moving further and further down. I was making a low hum noise and I could feel every time the baby moved further and further. I remember thinking
"I will just let him come this way. I am NOT going to push. It will hurt. This isn't so bad and even if it takes longer, he can come out this way. I am NOT letting her turn up that pitocin." Aliza had different plans though. I heard her move toward my bed and over to the IV machine. I started to hear the beeping of her turning up the drip. I opened my eyes and hissed at her through gritted teeth
"Don't you DARE turn that up!" She ignored me completely. Didn't even look at me. I was furious. The contractions came back full force and I knew there was no turning back now. it was time to get him out. Suddenly, the urge to push was so strong I couldn't fight it. I tried to push as Aliza held my feet but then the room started to go purple again.
Me:
"IM GONNA FAINT!!!"Aliza: "Stop pushing all in your head! Use your abs!
And suddenly, I got it. As each new contraction came, I pushed as if I were doing a really hard sit-up. I was doing great and pushing felt GREAT! about 10 minutes later she told me to stop and try to breathe for a moment because I was crowning. I was almost there! I did my best not to push as she ran to the door and called the other nurses in to help. She actually had to yell at them because apparently "She's Crowning!" is not urgent enough to get people to stop what they're doing. Finally, everyone was in and ready and Ace and Aliza each helped hold my legs while I did my final pushes.
His ginormous head was the hardest part. Once that was out, the rest was easy! Suddenly, he was there and they brought him up onto my chest to wipe him off and get him crying. There were cheers all around and I stared down into the wide eyed face of my beautiful baby boy. He was heavier on my chest than I'd imagined he would be and his movements were strong. He let out his first cry and then my tears began all over again. "My Baby!".
He was 9pounds even and 22 inches long. Apgar scores were 8 and 9. He was healthy and beautiful and perfect.
The perfect piece of our family puzzle that we never even knew was missing. And now, we could never ever live without him.
I love you, my precious baby boy.
Love- Mama.
