ZK and I had a really rough day today. When I say rough, I mean that I had almost reached the end of my fuse. I have a pretty substantial amount of patience, as any childcare worker must. I've learned it and earned it over time through many of my work experiences as well as being the oldest of five children. I have methods. I have systems. I have plans and tools to help me get through chaotic situations. I HAVE CREDENTIALS, PEOPLE.
***(Is Not Impressed)***
The difference with my OWN child though, is that for some reason none of that matters. The kid knows how to push my buttons, and hooooooo boy does he ever push them. I have NO IDEA where he gets it from.....
Anyway, today he had me. He had me feeling a bit like a rubber band I guess. My sanity being stretched tighter and thinner and further and further... I was ready to either cry or scream or throw something. But, I didn't. I kept my cool. I don't know how except by the grace of God, but I did. Thankfully, Ace got home soon after I realized how bad it was getting and I was able to turn ZK over to him for a long talk and some time in his room to cool off. He and I BOTH needed time to cool off.
When he was born, I remember thinking there was no way I would ever be able to feel anything short of jubilant when he was with me. He was the center of the universe. My sunshine and my heart and my everything.
He still IS. He's still my baby. He still has me wrapped around his little finger. I would still jump through burning hoops just to get him to smile. Being a mother has taught me more than just how to survive with no sleep. It's taught me that love really can be completely unconditional. LIKE, however, is not.
I am absolutely ashamed to say this, but in all honesty I couldn't like him today. Even as I type that, I can't go back and read it over. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that mean that I fail? I really hope not.
I know something though and that is that weather I get a Pass or Fail grade today in parenting is not what matters. What matters is that at the end of the day I still love him more than words. I still give him hugs and kisses goodnight and I tell him that I love him and that in the morning I'll have his chocolate milk for him and we can watch "Ant Robinsons" (Meet The Robinsons) with his Mason when he gets here.
Tomorrow is another day, after all.
Tomorrow will be better.
"Keep Moving Forward, Lewis!"
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